Claims Peace Icon's Feet "Trigger Urban Transit Allies" and "Undermine Electric Scooter Culture" WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A Democratic National Committee panel convened to evaluate protest tactics this week sharply criticized Mahatma

Congratulations — You're Now Working for the Government (of Scams) Let's talk about the gleaming new business frontier in Southeast Asia: not rice, not electronics — but romance, fake crypto, and existential

Refused to Weigh Organic Ginger Separately from Spiritual Intentions AUSTIN, TX -- Staff at a local Whole Foods Market were forced to escort Mahatma Gandhi off the premises Tuesday afternoon after

U.S. Military Accidentally Invades Iowa After Google Maps Glitch DES MOINES, IOWA — The U.S. military issued an apology Tuesday after tanks, drones, and 4,000 troops accidentally invaded Iowa due to

Disney+ Announces 15 New Live-Action Remakes; Fans React with Panic and Meme Warfare Disney+ has officially entered what industry insiders are calling the "Remake Apocalypse," announcing 15 new live-action films scheduled

Congressional Gridlock, Supernatural Politics, Satire WASHINGTON -- In an unprecedented act of legislative transparency that somehow made things less clear, Congress admitted Thursday that recent failed bills were "probably sabotaged by

Congress Launches Efficiency Committee To Streamline Efficiency Committees — First Meeting Delayed Due to Scheduling Committee Legislative Body Discovers Meta-Level Solution to Bureaucratic Redundancy Through Additional Bureaucracy WASHINGTON — The U.S. House

Trump and Hegseth's "Home Alone" Defense Strategy: Paint Cans Over Missiles? WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelation that has left generals, foreign policy experts, and anyone with a GPS scratching their

MoveOn Demands Schumer Step Aside, Offers Him Coupon for 10% Off Retirement Community Buffet Washington, D.C.—In a bold move that shocked only people who haven't been awake for the last decade, MoveOn has

Trump Launches Presidential Bid From Olive Garden: "When You're Here, You're Dictator" Unlimited Breadsticks Spark New Economic Vision President Declares War on "Fancy Restaurant Elite" While Announcing 2028 Campaign In a move that

Haunted House Workers Strike Over “Unpaid Screams” and “Toxic Ectoplasm Exposure” In a Halloween labor uprising that has terrified management nationwide, haunted house workers across America have walked off the job,

Pumpkin Spice Declared Emotional Support Flavor by Surgeon General The Official Latte Declaration: Pumpkin Spice is Now Therapeutic October 14 — In an announcement that has left Starbucks stock executives trembling like

Area Breakroom Declared Federal Disaster Zone After Employee Microwaves "Revenge Salmon" During Peak Lunch Hour By Sterling Wright, Senior Correspondent for Workplace Atrocities | Springfield Daily News SPRINGFIELD — The 8th-floor breakroom at

Trick-or-Treaters Demand Reparations for Decade of “Fun-Size” Lies Candy Crisis Hits a Sweet Low October 28 — Across the nation, costumed children have risen up against what they call the “Fun-Size Deception”

💔 Report: 87% of Couples in Matching Costumes Still in Denial About Breakup Imminence A new study has confirmed what bartenders, therapists, and cynical singles have long suspected: wearing matching Halloween

Local Man Achieves Nirvana After Discovering Recliner Has Cupholder on Both Sides TOLEDO, OHIO — Enlightenment once required years of meditation, fasting, and maybe living in a cave. But according to

🧟 Zombie Economy Stronger Than Ever, Says Federal Reserve Chair “Braaaains” Powell In his most animated press conference yet, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome “Braaaains” Powell announced that the U.S. economy is

Vampire Opens Vegan Blood Bar, Says “Consent Is Sexy” Nosferatu Goes Non-Dairy October 25 — In a bold rebrand for the undead, 513-year-old vampire Count Damien von Gory has opened Hemoglow, the

Ghosts File Class-Action Lawsuit Against Psychics for “Unauthorized Summoning” Paranormal Plaintiffs Say “Enough Is Enough” October 20 — The afterlife is in upheaval this Halloween as hundreds of ghosts have filed a

Nation’s Skeletons Demand Union Recognition After Being Dragged Out of Closets Every October Skeletons Strike Back: The Hollow Revolt of October October 26 — In a development no one saw coming (because

Area Dad’s Halloween Costume “Just Him Giving Up” Again This Year Local Father Commits to Existential Realism October 29 — For the fifth consecutive Halloween, suburban father Mark Ellison, 48, of Dayton,

Woman Says She Doesn't Want Fries, Then Eats Yours: Economists Call It "Resource Redistribution" The Great French Fry Recession Every man who's ever sat across from a woman at a restaurant has

Small Town Declares Emergency After Inflatable Spider Becomes Self-Aware Residents of Maple Hollow, Wisconsin, awoke Monday to find their town square in chaos — not from politics or potholes this time,

Judge Blocks Administration from Undoing Full SNAP Benefits, Because Hunger Deserves Stability Washington, D.C.—In a ruling that legal scholars describe as "common sense finally making a cameo," a federal judge blocked