Ghosts File Class-Action Lawsuit Against Psychics for “Unauthorized Summoning”
Paranormal Plaintiffs Say “Enough Is Enough”
October 20 — The afterlife is in upheaval this Halloween as hundreds of ghosts have filed a class-action lawsuit in federal court against a coalition of psychics, mediums, and YouTube tarot readers for what they call “unauthorized summoning, privacy invasion, and emotional haunting.”
Represented by the spectral law firm Banshee, Shade & Wraith LLP, the ghosts allege that psychics routinely contact them without consent, misquote them in séances, and profit off “cheap theatrics and flickering candles.”
“Every October, I’m yanked from eternal rest just to tell someone’s cousin that her cat forgives her,” said lead plaintiff Geraldine Wisp, who has been dead since 1904. “Where’s my residuals? Where’s my peace?”
Apparitional Outrage and Observations
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Ghosts claim most psychics never get their pronouns right.
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64% of spirits contacted in séances “weren’t even the right ghosts.”
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Paranormal misrepresentation has led to “identity haunting.”
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Many deceased feel exploited for content on TikTok.
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Ghosts resent being summoned in candlelit basements “that smell like Patchouli and regret.”
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Some report PTSD — Post-Tomb Stress Disorder.
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The spiritual gig economy pays nothing but ectoplasm.
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A few ghosts say they’d prefer Zoom calls, “not ouija boards from the 1930s.”
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Spirits are tired of being used as plot devices for dating shows.
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They insist they deserve royalties from every ghost-themed reality series since 2004.
Expert Analysis: Is the Spirit World Litigious Now?
Dr. Clara Seance, professor of Metaphysical Ethics at Tufts, explains: “For centuries, ghosts had no legal standing. Now, with new spiritual jurisprudence emerging, we’re seeing the dead claim rights parallel to the living’s privacy expectations.”
An anonymous staffer from the Department of Supernatural Affairs leaked a memo acknowledging that ghost rights are “a developing policy frontier,” warning of possible overcrowding in spectral courts.
The Ghost Civil Liberties Union (GCLU) estimates that psychic interference affects 1 in 3 restless spirits, particularly those from the Victorian era, when table-knocking became “the original telemarketing.”
Eyewitness evidence? Paranormal investigators report a surge in poltergeist activity near strip-mall tarot shops, possibly coordinated protest. “I saw a mug fly at a neon ‘Palm Readings $20’ sign,” said local witness Todd Ramsey. “It shattered, and then Alexa started crying.”
Social Science and Statistical Insight
A poll by Spooky Data Analytics found:
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78% of ghosts feel “objectified.”
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55% have considered crossing over but worry they’d be subpoenaed first.
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22% admit they enjoy being summoned occasionally “just for the attention.”
Social psychologist Dr. Hayden Soul suggests the hauntings reflect unresolved boundaries. “Ghosts are asserting agency,” he explains. “It’s like quiet quitting, but noisier.”
Psychic Pushback
The Association of Professional Mediums (APM) has issued a counterstatement, saying: “Most ghosts appreciate being heard. We act as translators between planes, not paparazzi.”
Celebrity psychic Madame Lunaria, however, called the lawsuit “laughably ectoplasmic.” She told CNN she only contacts “volunteering souls,” though leaked séance transcripts suggest otherwise: “Are you there, Geraldine? Anyone will do, actually.”
Critics say the industry thrives on unverifiable claims — one researcher even found that 67% of televised séances feature background whispers from interns, not actual spirits.
Implications for the Living
If the ghosts win, psychics might need “summoning licenses.” Ouija boards could require consent forms. Haunted mansion tours may have to pay “afterlife appearance fees.”
There’s even talk of a Ghosts’ Union negotiating better lighting and background music during appearances. Some undead representatives have requested benefits like “temperature neutrality” and “unlimited moaning breaks.”
A leaked internal study from BooTube predicts that class-action damages could exceed $13 billion — or roughly “two Halloween candy budgets’ worth of spiritual damages.”
Disclaimer: This entirely human collaboration (between a tenured professor and a philosophical dairy farmer) is purely satirical. No ghosts were summoned, harmed, or invoiced.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
IMAGE GALLERY
