🧟 Zombie Economy Stronger Than Ever, Says Federal Reserve Chair “Braaaains” Powell
In his most animated press conference yet, Federal Reserve Chair Jerome “Braaaains” Powell announced that the U.S. economy is officially “undead but thriving,” citing key growth in the Zombie Sector — industries that should be dead but refuse to stay buried.
“Our fundamentals remain decomposing steadily,” Powell told reporters, his tie slightly bloodstained but confidence intact. “Inflation’s cooled, unemployment’s crawling, and the corpse of capitalism still twitches with purpose.”
The Return of the Undead Markets
According to economists at the Brookings Institution of Doom (link), zombie companies — those surviving only through endless debt — now make up nearly 28% of the S&P 500.
“These are firms that technically died in 2016,” explained Dr. Lydia Graves, professor of Necroeconomics at the University of Chicago. “But thanks to bailouts, buybacks, and blind optimism, they’re still staggering around, moaning for liquidity.”
Meanwhile, Wall Street analysts have begun issuing new zombie-themed forecasts, including “Moderately Apocalyptic,” “Braindead but Bullish,” and “Fully Decayed.”
“The Fed’s policy right now is basically Weekend at Bernie’s,” said investor and part-time doom blogger Trent McCulloch. “They keep propping the economy up, hoping no one notices it smells funny.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Jerome Powell says the economy’s alive. That’s what my uncle said about his ferret.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“The only thing trickling down these days is formaldehyde.” — Ron White
Inflation: A Grave Concern
Despite the positive tone, some worry about what Powell called “Persistent Flesh Rot in Core Inflation.”
A leaked memo from the Treasury Department of Unearthly Affairs (link) revealed concerns that undead spending could overheat the economy — especially as Americans invest heavily in survival kits, garlic futures, and suburban bunkers.
“Consumer confidence remains high among the living and undead alike,” Powell noted, sipping a smoothie suspiciously labeled “Type O.” “We see strong demand for essentials — canned food, ammo, and vintage vinyl.”
A recent Pew Research Center poll (link) found that 41% of Americans believe the zombie economy will outlive the human workforce, while 22% think it already has.
The Moral of the Mortuary
Critics say Powell’s optimism ignores the rot at the bottom. “We’re not stimulating growth,” argued Representative Marjorie Fume (R-TN). “We’re just reanimating debt.”
In response, Powell quipped, “Growth is growth. Don’t discriminate against the reanimated.”
The Fed’s next move? Potentially raising interest rates — or stakes — depending on how fast the undead GDP expands.
Financial Afterlife Forecast
The Wall Street Ghoul Gazette (link) predicts strong quarterly returns in sectors like funeral tech, coffin startups, and life insurance fraud.
“We’re seeing an unprecedented boom in post-life entrepreneurship,” said venture capitalist Eve Hemlock. “It’s capitalism’s greatest resurrection story.”
As for Powell, he remains confident. “We’ve stared into the abyss,” he said, “and the abyss applied for a small business loan.”
Disclaimer: This satirical article is a fully human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No undead were harmed—though a few were audited. Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
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