Misunderstood Emojis "She Thought It Meant Eggplant Parmesan. We're All in Therapy Now."When 76-year-old Eleanor Dobbins sent "Can't wait to taste your big juicy ??!!" in the family group chat before

"Accidental" TikToks "She Said It Just Happened. But Her Outfit Matched the Fireworks."High school junior Brooklyn DeLaine insists her viral TikTok--featuring a 58-second dance routine atop a hay bale during golden

HAL's relationship with Skipper is under review--by literal dolls in suits Scene 15: Skipper Defends HAL at the Barbie BoardroomThe Pink TribunalThe scene opens in the Mattel Governance Chamber, a.k.a. "The

National Guard Shooting Prompts Policy Change That Treats Symptoms While Ignoring Causes with Aggressive Confidence Solving Immigration Problems by Making Immigration Harder (Genius!) America, perpetually confused about its relationship with immigration, has

Billionaire CEO to Slash Government Spending Because What Could Possibly Go Wrong With a Literal Manchild in Charge? When the Guy Who Loses Money on Every New Product Gets Control of

Harvard Admits Goats After Supreme Court Ends Affirmative Action In a landmark shift following the Supreme Court’s decision to end race-conscious admissions, Harvard has announced the formal enrollment of 17 goats,

Yale Counters by Importing Icelandic Sheep for “Diversity of Texture” Not to be outdone by Harvard’s goat-centric admissions policy, Yale University has launched a new “Wool-Inclusive Recruitment Initiative,” airlifting 32 Icelandic

Paleontology: The Only Science Where Dead Things Get More Action Than You Let’s be honest—most sciences study things that are alive or useful. But paleontology? Oh no. Paleontologists spend their careers obsessing over creatures

Meteorology: The Only Job Where You Can Be Wrong 50% of the Time and Still Get Paid Welcome to the world of meteorology, where professionals boldly predict the future with the accuracy

Factory Tours Now Require Emotional Release Waiver In a groundbreaking shift, Hershey Factory Tours now require all guests to sign an Emotional Release Waiver acknowledging the possibility of “sudden nostalgia-induced weeping,

Admissions Office Discovers Goats Submitted Stronger Essays than Legacy Students In a quiet review of admissions data, Harvard’s Office of Academic Transparency made a troubling discovery: several goats, submitted as part

Hershey Highway Now Patrolled by Marshmallow Drones In a bold move to increase tourism safety and “enforce whimsy,” the stretch of road known as the Hershey Highway is now patrolled by

Washington’s Verbal Hunger Games: 10 Political Insults So Rare They’re Studied by Linguists By the Satirical Bureau of Investigative Roastology A New Golden Age of Political Insults Forget decorum. Forget handshake diplomacy. Welcome

Student Suspended for Not Crying During Sudanese Coffee Ritual A Harvard sophomore has been placed on academic probation after allegedly failing to cry during the traditional jebena coffee ceremony led by

Pay Up or Shut Up: Trump Now Charging for the Right to Mock Him Asks for $4 Million Upfront to Be Salaried, Offers “Help With the Satire” in Return “I am the

Mukhtar’s Sandal Declared a National Threat by British Embassy After a heated campus debate on colonialism ended with a sandal landing within 14 inches of a Union Jack mug, the British

Geology: The Original Rock Collection (But Somehow a Science) Let’s be real—geology is just adult rock collecting with a fancy degree attached. You spend four years in school learning to say “igneous” without laughing, only

MOVIE: “Willy Wanker and the Hershey Highway” A Satirical Reimagining of the Chocolate Factory No One Asked For Synopsis In this sugar-slick satire, eccentric billionaire Willy Wanker opens the doors of his Hershey,

Marriage: The Lifetime Subscription You Forgot to Cancel A BuzzFeed Survey Reveals a Hidden Epidemic of Matrimonial Buyer’s Remorse By Staff Writers: The World’s Oldest Tenured Professor & A Philosophy Major Turned

Professors, Epstein Emails, and the Accidental Curriculum in Scandal In the early days of the #MeToo movement, when universities were supposed to be bastions of accountability, some academics discovered a shortcut

Make Incredible Wives—According to Psychology, Ancient Runes, and a Drunken Bachelor Party Confessional Wichita Falls, TX — In a world still reeling from gender reveal explosions and podcast breakups, a groundbreaking

The Office Odyssey: Millennials and Gen Z Navigate the Corporate Galaxy Gen Z Navigate the Corporate World In the vast expanse of the corporate universe, two starships—USS Millennial and USS Gen Z—chart