Bezos Rejects Gaga, Accepts Golden Toilet Paper as Wedding Favor

In a move baffling to economists and divas alike, Jeff Bezos reportedly declined Lady Gaga’s $6 million wedding performance fee but had no qualms handing out gold-leaf toilet paper as favors at his Venice wedding. Each roll was embossed with the Amazon Prime logo, came with a Bluetooth speaker, and was rumored to be soft enough to make angels weep.

“Gaga? She’s so 2010,” Bezos allegedly told a waiter carrying champagne infused with lunar dust. “Our guests deserve something they’ll actually use.”

Eyewitnesses confirmed guests were seen slipping rolls into their designer handbags like it was 2020 and the toilet paper apocalypse had returned. One Kardashian was heard muttering, “This wipes away all my doubts.”

The decision to forego Gaga in favor of gilded gastrointestinal gifts sparked backlash from fans who argued that Bezos was devaluing music. Music industry icon Clive Davis simply stated, “Bezos just flushed credibility down the gold-plated drain.”

Meanwhile, a delivery drone carrying extra toilet rolls was struck by a falling tax exemption form launched from Bezos’s yacht.

In the eternal battle of pop versus poop, Bezos chose posterior priorities. Because nothing says elegance like a restroom revolution sponsored by the richest man alive.