Press Freedom Now Includes Dental Insurance After Baton Incident

In an unprecedented compromise between brutality and bureaucracy, journalists covering protests in Los Angeles will now be offered dental insurance—but only if their teeth are knocked out by law enforcement. The policy, officially named The Molar Doctrine, was added to press contracts after a freelance photojournalist lost four incisors during a peaceful march near Echo Park.

“This is a step toward recognizing the sacrifices journalists make,” said LAPD spokesperson Lt. Karen Dent. “We can’t promise not to bash your face in, but we can help make the aftermath a little shinier.”

The plan, underwritten by a confused local HMO, covers:

• Batons to the jaw (full coverage)

• Rubber bullets to the mouth (50% co-pay)

• Verbal insults from officers (not covered unless they cause stress grinding)

To file a claim, reporters must show press credentials and a selfie with their attacker. The form also requires a list of all prior opinions about the LAPD, which—if found too negative—may void the benefits.

Some journalists remain skeptical.
“I thought freedom of the press meant freedom, not frequent orthodontia,” said Alicia Mendoza of the LA Tribune, holding a straw between her lips.

Still, others see it as a win.
“I was gonna get Invisalign anyway,” said podcast host Tony Griggs. “Now I just need to get clubbed at a climate rally.”