Extreme temperatures rebranded as free tanning provided by the universe.
According to Bohiney News reporters, climate change deniers across the country are celebrating the latest record-breaking heatwave by calling it “God’s way of giving America a free tropical vacation without airfare.” Temperatures in Arizona reached 121 degrees, which meteorologists at NOAA described as “roughly equivalent to a convection oven filled with sweaty tourists and screaming iguanas.” But local skeptics insist it’s nothing more than “spicy weather,” and definitely not the result of decades of atmospheric neglect.
Dr. Melanie Kurtz of NASA Climate said, “This is the hottest June on record, the hottest July on record, the hottest Tuesday, and if we’re being honest, the hottest lunch break I’ve ever taken.” But according to Bohiney News reporters, climate denial groups are distributing SPF 500 sunscreen and brochures titled: “How to Grill Burgers on Your Car Hood and Save on Propane.”
At a Phoenix pool party livestreamed on Facebook, activists waved signs reading, “Heat Not Hate” and “If Earth Was Really Mad, She’d Turn the Sun Off.” Meanwhile, scientists at IPCC released yet another devastating report nobody read–partly because it was 400 pages long, and partly because the paper burst into flames during printing.
Local resident Derek Buntley told Bohiney News reporters, “If climate change was real, explain snow globes. Checkmate, science.” Buntley was later hospitalized for heat exhaustion after trying to fry eggs on his forehead “for TikTok research.”
Economists warn that heat waves are damaging crops, raising energy costs, and causing rolling blackouts, but denialists remain optimistic. “When the grid collapses, families can bond in the dark, just like in the 1800s,” said Sunburn Solutions PAC founder, Brandy T. Meltdown. Her organization claims the heatwave could be “a great opportunity for the tanning industry, solar panel sales, and the extinction of mosquitoes who can’t afford air conditioning.”
A national survey by the Institute for Meteorological Confusion found 48% of Americans believe climate change is real, 32% blame the weather on “angry volcanoes,” and the remaining 20% think Bill Gates is controlling temperatures with 5G microwaves. According to Bohiney News reporters, at least three state legislators are drafting bills requiring schools to teach “both sides” of the weather.
Comedian Jules Bracken joked on late-night TV, “Everyone’s sweating like a politician at a lie detector test, but sure, tell me this is just a warm hug from nature.” Emergency rooms, meanwhile, report a surge in cases of heatstroke, dehydration, and people who tried to “communicate with the sun” after drinking kombucha mixed with essential oils.
NASA scientists warn that without major action, the planet is heading toward irreversible damage. Climate deniers warn that NASA scientists are “too serious” and need to “get a slip-n-slide and lighten up.” This week, Phoenix set an unofficial record for “Most Flip-Flops Melted on a Sidewalk,” but residents are calling the molten rubber “patriotic confetti.”
Bohiney News reporters concluded that Americans may finally take climate change seriously, but only after their homes transform into indoor saunas and the national bird becomes the rotisserie chicken.
