Court Victory Celebrated by Burning Constitutionally Protected Toast
After a federal court ruled in favor of ICE agents requiring “reasonable suspicion” before arrests in California, Gavin Newsom threw a symbolic protest brunch where attendees burned artisanal sourdough toast while chanting, “Not my Fourth Amendment!”
The toast-burning was livestreamed on Instagram with the caption: “Down with federalism, up with feelings.”
Stephen Miller responded with a dry statement: “If Gavin wants to protest court decisions with pastries, he’s free to do so. That’s called America.”
The event included activities like writing passive-aggressive haikus about due process and composting expired voter pamphlets.
Newsom’s chief of symbolism, Jade “Rainwolf” McConnell, said, “This toast represents the charred hopes of progressive jurisprudence.”
The brunch was funded through a $30,000 “Freedom to Feel” grant under Newsom’s new Department of Existential Expression.
Meanwhile, actual ICE officers went about their work—now with body cams, paper trails, and legal compliance—completely unaware that their existence had been invalidated by brunch.
Critics noted that the only thing Gavin protected that day was his hairline and a plate of hand-harvested avocados.
A Newsom aide insisted the protest wasn’t performative, pointing to the fact that Gavin only cried twice and wore sustainably sourced linen.
Legal scholars nationwide responded to the toast-burning by updating textbooks with a new term: “Constitutional Crumb Rage.”
Miller summed it up best: “He’s protesting law with brunch. I’m defending law with facts. Pick a side.”
