Over-the-Top LinkedIn Posts

“He Hasn’t Done Actual Work in Months. But He’s Built a Personal Brand of Relentless Inspiration.”

Every morning at 4:44 a.m., corporate consultant Blake Fenwick posts a new photo of himself staring at a sunrise while holding an espresso and whispering “synergy” into the wind. His captions read like prophetic business fortune cookies: “The spreadsheet of your soul is missing formulas. Upload your purpose.”

“At first it was motivational,” said coworker Janice. “Now we’re worried he’s building a hustle cult.”

Blake’s content–known as *Grindset Gospel*–includes daily anecdotes where he “closed deals using charisma alone,” “networked during a root canal,” and “mentored a spider while stuck in traffic.”

He recently launched a course called *Elevator Pitch Your Way Into Heaven,* which costs $997 and includes a bonus webinar: *Cry Less, Close More.*

Despite never being seen at his actual desk, Blake was promoted after LinkedIn HQ endorsed him for “visionary alignment” and “vague executive energy.”

His coworkers now passively revolt by submitting résumés written entirely in inspirational haikus.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.