Los Angeles Public Schools Add “Emotional Support Avocados” to Lunch Menus
Because Therapy’s Too Expensive, But Produce Is Subsidized
LOS ANGELES — In an effort to combat student stress, low test scores, and emotional scurvy, the Los Angeles Unified School District (LAUSD) has rolled out a new initiative: Emotional Support Avocados.
The soft, green companions will be distributed daily in cafeterias to students grades K through 12 — not to be eaten, but to be hugged, named, and emotionally confided in.
“Students today are navigating climate dread, influencer envy, and math,” said LAUSD wellness director Dr. Lila Plum. “It was either avocados or licensed therapy goats, and frankly, the goats unionized.”
How It Works
Each student receives a USDA-certified Hass avocado hand-selected for emotional firmness. They come with optional googly eyes, a tiny beanie, and a QR code linking to meditative breathing exercises narrated by Billie Eilish’s whisper twin.
Students are encouraged to bring their avocado to class, journal with it during lunch, and check in with it emotionally at recess. If an avocado shows signs of becoming guacamole, it is immediately replaced with a “Fresh Start Fruit.”
Teachers are trained to ask:
“How is your avocado feeling today?”
Not:
“Where is your homework?”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“My niece named hers Chad and cried when it went bad. I told her that’s just foreshadowing for dating in L.A.” — Amy Schumer
“When I was in school, we got stress relief from dodgeball. Now these kids get therapy produce. That’s progress, I guess.” — Ron White
“My emotional support avocado ghosted me. I think it’s dating my support kombucha.” — Jerry Seinfeld
From Pit to Pal
The initiative started after a district-wide wellness survey found that 42% of students were more likely to open up to produce than to school counselors.
Avocados were chosen for their:
-
Calming squish factor
-
Pre-installed pit of wisdom
-
Existing student familiarity due to TikTok avocado-toast memes
Kindergartners have reportedly begun forming Avocado Families, complete with pit babies and tiny leaf pets.
At one middle school in Boyle Heights, an avocado was elected Homecoming Queen under the campaign slogan: “She’s firm, but she listens.”
Curriculum Integration
To promote emotional literacy, the avocados have been integrated into lesson plans:
-
History: Role-play as Civil Rights avocados standing up to systemic food waste
-
Math: Solve for X using guacamole recipes
-
PE: New program called “Pit Pilates”
A proposed elective called “Feelings & Fats: Avocados and Emotional Density” is under review.
Controversy and Backlash
Some parents have expressed concern over the rising number of students refusing to eat their support avocados, citing “trauma bonding.”
“It’s ridiculous,” said Brenda Hoff from the Sherman Oaks PTA. “My son named his avocado Craig. Then someone made guac during a TikTok and now he won’t go near Mexican food.”
Meanwhile, conservative media outlets have labeled the program “Produce Marxism,” claiming it teaches kids to rely on handouts instead of earning their own emotional growth through recess brawls.
Tucker Carlson asked,
“What happened to stoicism? In my day, we bit pencils during trauma. We didn’t coddle fruit.”
Funding and Logistics
The $12 million program is funded through:
-
A new tax on failed charter school slogans
-
Reclaimed vape pen fines
-
Elon Musk’s leftover avocado toast surcharge from SpaceX staff cafeterias
The avocados are sourced from a cooperative farm in Topanga where the trees are sung to nightly and only harvested if they consent.
All unused avocados are composted and returned to the school garden to “complete the emotional cycle.”
Future Produce Plans
If successful, LAUSD plans to expand the Emotional Support Produce line to include:
-
Kale of Kindness™: For middle school bullies
-
Empathic Eggplants™: For students exploring identity
-
Consent Cucumbers™: For health class
-
Cranberries of Consequence™: For kids who forgot to apologize for cutting in line
The Board of Education is also piloting Therapist Tomatoes, but early results suggest students felt “judged by the eyes” on the skin.
IMAGE GALLERY
DISCLAIMER: This article was written during a mindfulness walk through the school garden while cradling a mildly overripe avocado named Linda. No toast was harmed, but one salad cried.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.