FCC Proposes Sewer Speech Regulations After Shell-Shocking Ratings
After Donatello’s Late Show topped viewership for six consecutive weeks, the FCC has proposed new “Sewer Speech Regulations” to curb what it calls “unregulated mutant influence over American discourse.”
Chairman Brendan Carr announced the motion while standing in front of a storm drain and holding a tattered copy of the Communications Act. “We never imagined we’d need aquatic clauses,” he said.
The proposed regulations would:
- Cap the number of sewer-based analogies per broadcast.
- Ban hosting from subterranean studios without proper air circulation permits.
- Require disclosure of all pizza-fueled monologue inspiration.
Free speech advocates are livid. One ACLU attorney declared, “This is amphibian profiling, plain and simple.”
Donatello responded by live-streaming a 45-minute interpretive dance titled “Drain the Thought.” Ratings soared.
Meanwhile, congressional hearings have begun. Senator Ted Cruz held up a sewer map on live TV, screaming, “This is where your freedoms go to rot!”
As the FCC scrambles to write policy in ankle-deep water, one thing is clear: Donatello isn’t just changing late-night. He’s redefining what it means to speak truth to sludge.