Trump Asked GOP Congress to Bring Back the Duel
It’s Time to Bring Back the Duel—And America Is Ready
By Buck Buckley, Senior Dueling Correspondent, Bohiney.com
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what some political analysts are calling “the most old-fashioned thing Trump has ever proposed—besides tariffs,” former President Donald Trump has reportedly asked the GOP-controlled Congress to reinstate dueling as a method of resolving political disputes.
“We’re bringing it back, folks, we’re bringing back the duel. Beautiful duels. Elegant duels. The best duels,” Trump declared at a Mar-a-Lago press conference while casually inspecting a pearl-handled pistol. “I mean, let’s be honest, folks—some people need a little incentive to stop lying, okay? Back in the day, you lied about a guy, BAM, ten paces, sorted out real quick.”
The proposal, dubbed the “Honor Restoration Act”, has already garnered support from key GOP figures, libertarians, and at least one confused member of the Amish community who thought it was about jousting.
“Trump bringing back dueling makes sense. It’s the only way he can legally shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and still get away with it.” — Trevor Noah
A Constitutional Tradition Returns
Historians are already weighing in, noting that dueling was a cherished part of American political life until we got all “soft and anti-murder.” Professor Reginald Hawthorne, a Harvard historian and self-described “Alexander Hamilton superfan,” was thrilled by the idea.
“I mean, the Founding Fathers settled disputes with pistols at dawn. Jefferson. Jackson. Hamilton. Burr. You know, back when America was truly great. It’s about time we return to the golden age of conflict resolution—where you had to put your money where your musket was.”
While some scholars have pointed out that dueling was outlawed in the 1800s for a reason, Trump dismissed these concerns.
“We’re not talking about wild duels, folks,” Trump clarified. “We’re talking about classy, legal duels, okay? Regulated dueling. With the best referees. Maybe we put it on pay-per-view, who knows?”
Bipartisan Feuds Intensify
While the proposal has sparked outrage among liberals, several prominent Democrats have admitted they wouldn’t mind seeing a few showdowns.
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, when asked about the proposal, visibly considered it for a moment before sighing.
“Look, I’m against violence,” Schumer said, “but if I get one free shot at Jim Jordan, just one, I might be willing to negotiate.”
Even Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly smirked when asked if she’d like to settle the immigration debate with Ron DeSantis via pistols. “Oh honey, if that’s an option, count me in.”
Meanwhile, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham panicked at the idea of an open challenge and immediately began fleeing to an undisclosed location. “I have fragile wrists, okay? I’m not built for this lifestyle!”
Rules and Regulations for Modern Dueling
Supporters of the policy are working on a comprehensive set of dueling regulations to ensure fairness and, ironically, safety.
Key proposals include:
- Only government officials and verified influencers may duel (because, let’s be honest, they’re the problem).
- Dueling grounds must be located in either Texas or Florida.
- CNN and Fox News will alternate broadcasting rights, with a rotating panel of retired UFC commentators providing color commentary.
- “Trial by Combat” will be reserved for Supreme Court justices.
- Influencers with 5 million+ followers can challenge journalists for “defamation-based” duels, as long as they post a pre-duel Instagram Story.
- A minimum of two weeks’ notice for all duels—except for Tucker Carlson, who insists all his duels be “spontaneous and emotionally charged.”
Trump has reportedly offered Elon Musk a contract to create an AI-powered pistol-selection system, ensuring fairness by removing human bias. Musk tweeted that he’s considering it but first needs to make sure Twitter doesn’t crash when someone challenges AOC to a duel.
Who’s Most Likely to Duel?
Experts predict that certain political figures are more likely to embrace dueling culture than others.
- Donald Trump vs. Adam Schiff – A match many say is inevitable, with Vegas odds already giving Trump a slight advantage due to “sheer confidence.”
- Nancy Pelosi vs. Marjorie Taylor Greene – Expected to be the most dramatic duel in history, featuring dueling monologues instead of actual shots fired.
- Ted Cruz vs. A Bunch of Angry Texans – Cruz has already been challenged by his own constituents 17 times, but continues to insist on “one-way dueling,” where only he shoots.
- Vivek Ramaswamy vs. Anyone Who Calls Him “Discount Andrew Yang” – Ramaswamy has confirmed he’s “100% in” on dueling, provided it involves NFT-based weapons.
Public Reaction to the Proposal
Polling suggests mixed public sentiment. A Pew Research study found that:
- 35% of Americans are “strongly in favor,” citing the need for “more exciting C-SPAN content.”
- 40% are “moderately concerned” that it could lead to “dangerous game-show spinoffs.”
- 20% believe the whole thing is “a deep fake by the Russians.”
- 5% thought this was about getting rid of Duolingo.
Local man Dwayne Tiller of Ohio expressed enthusiasm for the return of dueling, stating:
“Honestly, it’s about time politicians have to fight for their beliefs—literally. If I have to watch one more hearing where nobody punches anybody, I’m out.”
Meanwhile, the American Medical Association has issued a preemptive warning, estimating that dueling injuries could overwhelm the nation’s already struggling healthcare system—to which Trump responded, “Exactly! We fix healthcare and Congress at the same time. Genius!”
Could This Actually Happen?
Legal experts are deeply divided on whether dueling could ever realistically return. However, that hasn’t stopped state legislatures in Texas, Alabama, and Florida from drafting preliminary bills to bring dueling back—because, frankly, it’s Florida, of course they’re doing this.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has not ruled it out, stating, “If it helps me keep my approval ratings up, I’ll duel Gavin Newsom personally.”
As for Trump, he remains fully committed to the idea, adding:
“I’ll be the first one out there if needed. I’ll take on any challenger. Maybe Chris Christie. Big guy. Lots of energy. Probably has a cannon, but we’ll see.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly in talks with Vince McMahon to organize the first televised duel in nearly two centuries, potentially scheduled for Trump Dueling Championship 2025.
The world waits.
15 Observations on Trump’s Proposal to Bring Back the Duel
- Political debates are already unbearable, so why not add pistols? At least then, when a politician dodges a question, they have to physically dodge too.
- If dueling comes back, C-SPAN’s ratings will finally beat HGTV. Because nothing makes government oversight more exciting than live ammunition.
- This will be the first time in history politicians are actually held accountable—by gunpowder. No more ethics committees, just ten paces and an itchy trigger finger.
- Lobbyists will now have to include bulletproof vests in their expense reports. “Sir, the NRA has decided to fund your campaign and your Kevlar.”
- Mitch McConnell’s dueling strategy is just standing very still until his opponent gets bored. “If I don’t move, they’ll think I’m already retired.”
- We’re one step away from Supreme Court Justices battling it out in a Thunderdome. “Two judges enter, one judge leaves, and Clarence Thomas still refuses to recuse himself.”
- Elon Musk will definitely make an AI-powered dueling assistant. “It’s like ChatGPT, but for tactical pistol combat.”
- Congressional hearings will turn into Wild West standoffs. “Mr. Secretary, I asked you a question. Are you gonna answer or reach for your holster?”
- This might be the only way to finally end a filibuster. “You have 30 seconds to wrap it up before Lindsey Graham gets the dueling pistol.”
- Texas and Florida will have dueling-specific tax breaks. “Buy one pistol, get a free ‘Stand Your Ground’ lawyer!”
- If dueling becomes legal, the first thing Ted Cruz will do is run away. “I’ll be in Cancun if anyone needs me!”
- Presidential debates will finally be worth watching. “Mr. President, do you yield, or are we settling this at dawn?”
- Duel referees will be former UFC fighters. “I see your second has chosen Joe Rogan to commentate.”
- The NRA will have mixed feelings about dueling. “On one hand, we love guns. On the other hand, politicians are our biggest customers.”
- Trump will challenge every late-night host to a duel. “Fallon, Colbert, Kimmel—you’re all cowards. Meet me at Mar-a-Lago at sundown!”
10 Comedian One-Liners About Trump Bringing Back the Duel
- “Trump bringing back dueling makes sense. It’s the only way he can legally shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and still get away with it.” — Trevor Noah
- “Finally, a policy both Democrats and Republicans can get behind—making politicians literally fight for their beliefs.” — John Mulaney
- “Dueling is the perfect solution for Congress. It’s like term limits, but with more excitement and fewer elections.” — Jim Gaffigan
- “We all thought Trump wanted to make America great again. Turns out, he just wanted to make Aaron Burr great again.” — Stephen Colbert
- “The idea of dueling in Congress is hilarious. It’s like watching two old men argue at Denny’s, except now they both have flintlock pistols.” — Bill Burr
- “Imagine watching Lindsey Graham try to duel. He’d be like, ‘I challenge you—oh, wait, no, never mind, I surrender!’” — Samantha Bee
- “Bringing back duels will finally give the Senate a reason to do anything before noon.” — Conan O’Brien
- “If dueling becomes legal, Ted Cruz will be the first politician to filibuster himself into an early retirement.” — Jimmy Kimmel
- “Trump said he’d duel anyone who insults him. By that logic, he’d have to fight half of Twitter and the entire cast of SNL.” — Seth Meyers
- “If we let Congress duel, we won’t have to drain the swamp—it’ll drain itself.” — Dave Chappelle