Refused to Pedal, Claimed Movement Without Destination Is Absurd
BROOKLYN, NY — Chaos and existential dread briefly took over SoulBlazer Spin Studio this week after Mahatma Gandhi was ejected mid-session for refusing to pedal during a high-intensity “Cardio Baptism” ride. Witnesses say he simply sat upright on the bike, eyes closed, radiating what one instructor called “counterproductive calm.”
“He was throwing off the room’s RPM harmony,” said instructor Blaze Myth, whose legal name is Gary. “This is a sacred space for sweating through trauma, not philosophizing it away.”
Gandhi reportedly questioned the class’s central premise before the warm-up began. “Why move aggressively toward nothing?” he asked. “Why scream while going nowhere?” At least two influencers left in tears, unsure whether they were being enlightened or canceled by proxy.
During the climb track, as Beyoncé’s *Run the World* blared, Gandhi raised one hand and whispered, “Who benefits from this illusion of progress?” The front row’s Apple Watches collectively short-circuited.
“He made me question my entire quads-based identity,” said a fitness blogger known as @Spincess. “I paid $38 to burn guilt, not invite it to sit beside me in stillness.”
Management cited “willful non-cycling” and “unauthorized introspection” as grounds for removal. Gandhi was offered a voucher for a yoga class but declined, saying, “I already live in one.”
He has since begun hosting rival “Still Cycle” sessions in an alley behind the studio, where participants sit silently on stationary crates and imagine their calories reconciling karmically. Classes are filling up fast among disillusioned CrossFit escapees and two former SoulCycle instructors seeking moral rest.
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