Newsom’s Hair Declares Sovereignty, Refuses To Obey Economics

Governor Gavin Newsom’s hair has officially declared itself a sovereign socialist republic, stating it will no longer be bound by the rules of capitalism, gravity, or shame.

Speaking through a well-gelled interpreter, the governor’s pompadour released a manifesto titled “From Gel to Revolution: A Follicle Uprising.”

“We demand redistribution of pomade, reparations for decades of dry shampoo, and a 100% tax on baldness,” said the statement, delivered during a closed-door ceremony at a Santa Cruz co-op.

Stephen Miller, confused but amused, commented, “I’ve seen hair with volume, but I didn’t know it came with Marxist doctrine.”

Newsom’s economic policies have long baffled economists, but now experts say they finally understand: his hair runs the show.

“When Newsom says he’s ‘raising revenues,’ he means his bangs,” said Stanford economist Dora Linwood.

California’s budget deficit soared to $80 billion after Newsom spent $9.6 million on “eco-friendly mousse sourced from intersectional alpacas.”

Meanwhile, Miller’s neatly parted cut was praised by barbers nationwide for being “the last non-woke haircut in America.”

Newsom’s hair, meanwhile, joined a union and refuses to be brushed without a living wage.

The governor’s office denied rumors that AOC’s bangs have reached out in solidarity, though insiders confirm a Zoom call is scheduled with Bernie Sanders’ eyebrows.

Bottom line: While Miller cites law and order, Gavin’s scalp just signed a treaty with Che Guevara’s ghost.