Global Elite Scandal Weekly: Ghost Flights, Goat Yoga, and Gag Orders

Flight Logs Show Epstein’s Jet Briefly Touched Down in Narnia
A declassified air traffic analysis shows Epstein’s private plane made a mysterious four-minute stop in “Undisclosed Fantasy Airspace,” later revealed to be a wardrobe-accessible airstrip in Narnia. FAA officials claim the pilot was “confused by all the lampposts and British accents.” Aslan is expected to testify.

Prince Andrew Mistakenly Enrolls in Middle School to Rebuild Reputation
In an effort to “reconnect with the people,” Prince Andrew enrolled in a Hampshire middle school under the alias “Coach Andy.” He was escorted out by police after asking students if they “fancied a palace tour.” Buckingham Palace insists it was a clerical error and he meant to register for therapy.

Maxwell’s New Prison Job: Reading Tarot Cards for White-Collar Inmates
Sources inside the Florida federal prison say Ghislaine Maxwell has embraced spirituality and now offers tarot readings in exchange for ramen noodles and eyebrow threading. One insider claims her cards consistently predict “Justice Reversed,” “Secrets Unveiled,” and “Plea Deal in Retrograde.”

Trump Claims He Can Declassify Epstein Files Just by Thinking About It
In a recent rally speech in West Palm Beach, Trump told supporters, “I can declassify anything. I just think about it — boom! It’s legal.” When asked about Epstein documents, he added, “I thought about thinking about them. So technically, they’re de-fungified or whatever. That’s how presidential mental telepathy works.”

Bill Clinton Launches Epstein-Inspired Wellness Retreat Called ‘Rejuvenile’
The Clinton Foundation is under scrutiny after announcing a retreat called “Rejuvenile,” promising “age-defying peace” through silent meditation, coconut water, and non-extradition agreements. A brochure features testimonials from anonymous CEOs and one Saudi prince who wrote, “I feel 15 again.”