Unbearable Brunch Guests
“They Came for Eggs Benedict. They Left with Joint Custody of the Booth.”
Staff at Eggsistential Diner in Portland are recovering from what they describe as “a hostage brunch situation” after a group of six self-proclaimed creatives occupied a corner booth from 10:03 a.m. until 5:21 p.m., ordering bottomless mimosas and slowly descending into philosophical chaos.
“They kept ordering hash browns one at a time like it was a negotiation,” said server Monica. “By hour five, they were passing around a journal titled *Our Truths & Syrup Thoughts.*”
Witnesses say the group discussed everything from microdosing to the ethics of tipping on vibes. They constructed a “vision tower” out of toast crusts and began identifying as a brunch-based intentional community named “The Flapjack Cooperative.”
Attempts to move them failed. “We offered to comp their check if they left,” Monica said. “They said capitalism was a construct and asked if they could pay in essential oils.”
Other guests reported unsolicited monologues about polyamory and AI-generated horoscopes. One woman tried to use the booth to breastfeed. She was handed a kombucha and asked to share a secret instead.
The restaurant finally called in a freelance brunch mediator who distracted them with a vegan quiche pop-up across the street.
The booth has since been spiritually saged. A sign now reads: “One Hour Max. No Vision Quests.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
