Low-Budget Haunted Hayrides
“We Paid $12 for Two Grunts, One Vape Cloud, and a Possum Named Gary.”
Families attending the Haunted Harvest Hayride in rural Ohio were left confused, mildly unnerved, and wildly underwhelmed after discovering the “actors” on the ride were just local teens half-heartedly growling while texting and occasionally shouting “boo” with the enthusiasm of a DMV line.
“I expected ghouls. I got Chad in a hoodie vaping behind a bale of hay,” said mother of three, Dana Morris. “He screamed once, but it was because he dropped his phone.”
Other highlights included: a zombie who asked if anyone had seen his vape charger, a scarecrow that turned out to be a very still Jeff from Algebra II, and a ghost that muttered “this is dumb” before slinking off to a folding chair.
But the star of the hayride was Gary, a possum wearing a witch hat who wandered into the set and refused to leave. “He was the only one committed to the role,” said one visitor. “I’d hire Gary again. 10/10, genuinely spooky.”
Ride organizers admit they ran into staffing issues. “All our actors quit to work a horror escape room in the next town,” said owner Leonard Crimp. “We improvised. That’s showbiz, baby.”
The hayride also featured a haunted Bluetooth speaker playing royalty-free thunder sounds, and a fog machine that coughed out one dramatic puff every 11 minutes.
Still, the ride has developed a cult following online. TikTok’s #PossumHaunt has over 1.3 million views. Gary now has a manager and is rumored to star in a Hulu reboot of *Goosebumps.*
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
