I’m not jealous. (Seethes silently.)

Jealous? Never. Just Not Blinking for 45 Minutes

Supportive on the Outside, Vengeful on the Inside

“I’m not jealous,” they smile, watching you succeed like a serene volcano full of lava and LinkedIn bitterness.

Funny Evidence from the Green-Eyed Ghosters

One friend liked your promotion post and then whispered, “Must be nice,” like it was a Shakespearean hex. Another offered congratulations by listing five reasons why *they* didn’t apply “on purpose.”

Quote from a Not-At-All-Jealous Observer

“I love that for you,” said Ivy Envy. “I mean… I wouldn’t personally *need* validation like that, but I love it… for *you*.”

Satirical Snapshot

They’re your biggest fan–if the job was silent judgment and passive-aggressive brunch clinks. Their compliments come with invisible disclaimers and citrusy resentment.

Conclusion: If You Celebrate Someone by Making It About You, You’re Jealous, Babe

Let people shine. It won’t dim your light. Unless your light was a ring light… and you left it at their house.

For more emotional gymnastics, envy-hop over to bohiney.com