Therapists Furious as Trump Claims 18 Holes Cured His Depression and Fixed the Border
Trump Declares Golf a Mental Health Treatment
Therapists Furious as Trump Claims 18 Holes Cured His Depression and Fixed the Border
Mar-a-Lago — In what critics are calling “either genius or delirium from a sunburn,” former President Donald J. Trump held a surprise press conference from the ninth hole of his golf course to declare that golf is “the best mental health program in American history.” “You walk, you swing, you yell at your caddy — it’s therapy, but it works,” Trump said. “I solved immigration after I birdied the 7th. I mean, how many therapists can say that?” Trump supporters cheered, many tossing out their Xanax prescriptions in a symbolic gesture. “I used to see a shrink,” said Dale from Iowa, “but then Trump told me to buy a pitching wedge and scream into a sand trap. Changed my life.” The American Psychological Association issued a statement reading: “This is extremely concerning.” Trump replied, “Exactly. Psychology is a scam. Freud didn’t even play golf. Sad!” The former president has now proposed a bill called the “Fairway to Freedom Act,” which would allow Americans to write off greens fees as a mental health expense. “Pelosi gets Botox. You get 9 holes and a cart,” he declared. Golf therapists — a newly emerging profession — are already popping up across red states. Services include “Putting Out Your Childhood Trauma’ and “Chipping Away at Your Marriage Problems.’ Melania was reportedly unimpressed, stating, “It’s not therapy if you’re just hitting balls and yelling at squirrels.” But Trump insists, “Even the squirrels are better adjusted now.” The Biden administration has not commented, though anonymous White House staffers have been spotted practicing their putting on the Rose Garden lawn. Trump concluded the presser with a short backswing and a booming prediction: “By 2028, every American will either be golfing, or working at a golf course. And both are better than therapy.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
