Weird Side Hustles
“When Mr. Peanut Tweets a Slur, I’m the Guy Who Says He’s ‘Learning and Listening.'”
In a niche that defies logic, marketing ghostwriter Barry Lintz has carved a bizarrely lucrative career writing public apologies on behalf of misbehaving corporate mascots. Whether it’s a tone-deaf Instagram post from Chester Cheetah or a DUI rumor involving the Kool-Aid Man, Barry is there to craft the perfect blend of contrition and brand safety.
“My job is making anthropomorphic logos seem emotionally accountable,” Barry said while proofreading a statement from Tony the Tiger about a misinterpreted TikTok dance.
His recent gigs include: a gender sensitivity apology from the M&M Green, an open letter from Mr. Clean addressing toxic masculinity, and a controversial Hot Pocket press release that read, “I over-microwaved my privilege.”
Barry’s process includes therapy-speak bingo cards, on-brand emojis, and at least three passive-voiced acknowledgments per paragraph. “You have to say sorry without actually saying sorry,” he explained. “Mascots don’t cry. They ‘reflect.'”
Critics call his work “late-capitalism fan fiction,” but brands love him. He’s now drafting a preemptive apology from the Pillsbury Doughboy in case he’s ever caught in a yacht scandal.
Barry charges $75 per apology and accepts payment in cash, crypto, or discontinued cereal box tokens.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
