Spiritual Retreats Gone Wrong
“They Said ‘Reconnect with Nature.’ I Didn’t Know I’d Be Sharing a Tent with Carl the Goat.”
Thirty-four-year-old systems analyst Jared Bloom signed up for a weekend “Digital Detox Spiritual Immersion Experience” expecting incense, guided meditation, and maybe a quinoa bar. What he got was three days of mud, screaming, and goats wearing crystals. “I thought this was a wellness retreat,” he said. “It was more like Burning Man meets rural hostage situation.”
The retreat, held on a repurposed alpaca farm in northern Oregon, was advertised as “a sacred container for transformation and goat integration.” Jared, unfamiliar with goat-based spirituality, assumed it was a metaphor. “It was not a metaphor,” he said. “Carl headbutted me during chakra chanting.”
Led by self-proclaimed spiritual guide Aurora MoonFeather (formerly Brenda Watkins from Scottsdale), the retreat included moon howling, shirtless interpretive journaling, and kombucha enemas administered by volunteers named “Starchild” and “Kevin, Guardian of the Upper Pasture.”
Each attendee was assigned a spirit goat for “emotional co-regulation.” Jared was paired with Carl, a 90-pound escape artist with IBS. “We were supposed to mirror each other’s moods,” Jared said. “Carl was angry and full of gas. So was I.”
Meals consisted of raw onion salad and something called “fermented air loaf.” Bathroom breaks were “discouraged unless spiritually urgent.” One woman claimed she astral-projected after holding it for 14 hours.
Cell phones were locked in a wooden box labeled “Ego Traps.” Jared tried to escape on the second night but was stopped by a robed figure on a Segway offering peppermint foot rubs and unsolicited advice about Saturn’s return.
Despite the chaos, Jared says he did have one moment of peace. “It was during goat-led breathing exercises. Carl lay on my chest and I felt something shift. Then he peed on me. I think that was the awakening.”
He’s since written a memoir, *Carl and Me: Journey Through the Pasture of Pain,* and is in talks for a podcast series called *Namaste and Run.*
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
