Trump Declares Mar-a-Lago a Kingdom, Names Rudy Giuliani Royal Gardener

PALM BEACH, FL — In a surprise move early this morning, former President Donald Trump declared Mar-a-Lago an “independent kingdom,” citing “taxes, tyranny, and a disappointing Yelp review” as grounds for secession. A hastily organized press conference was held on the 18th green, where Trump crowned himself “King Donald the First, of House Combover,” using a Chick-fil-A kids’ crown.

The most shocking appointment came moments later: Rudy Giuliani was named Royal Gardener, a title Trump described as “equal parts landscaping, lawyering, and keeping the coconuts from spying.”

Giuliani, seen wearing gardening gloves over legal briefs, seemed confused but honored. “It’s an upgrade from being under FBI surveillance,” he said, while spraying Roundup onto a hedge that suspiciously resembled Robert Mueller.

Trump’s newly formed court includes Don Jr. as Duke of Tax Loopholes and Eric as “Guy Who Holds the Flag.” Melania has not commented but was seen dragging her designer luggage toward the moat (aka the driveway).

The Secret Service remains stationed on the property, now awkwardly referred to as the “Royal Guard.” A man in a red tie tried to address the media, but fell into a koi pond attempting a royal wave.

An official flag has been raised: a golden cheeseburger on a field of tweets.