Meghan Markle, Patron Saint of Victimhood: The Church of Misunderstood
Introduction
Some duchesses marry into castles. Others marry into chaos. Meghan Markle has decided to canonize herself as St. Meghan of Misunderstood, founding her very own church of grievance. The Vatican hasn’t signed off, but Netflix has already optioned the rights.
Pilgrims to this new faith must bring avocado toast as offerings, light “privacy” candles, and repeat the creed: “I am silenced, therefore I speak louder.”
Humorous Observations
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Instead of holy water, parishioners are sprinkled with cucumber-infused spa water.
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Confessionals are replaced with therapy sessions where the priest nods and says, “Yes Meghan, you’re brave.”
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The church choir only sings covers of Meghan’s interviews.
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Pilgrimages are made not to Lourdes, but to Montecito, where visitors must pay a $200 entry fee for “sacred authenticity.”
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Saints are usually known for miracles. Meghan’s miracle? Convincing Netflix to fund her victimhood twice.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Meghan as a saint? Sure. Patron saint of telling you she’s a saint.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I’ve seen televangelists with less merchandise.” — Ron White
“She wants pilgrims to bring avocado toast? That’s not religion, that’s brunch.” — Bill Burr
Satirical Journalism Section
The inaugural service of the Church of St. Meghan of Misunderstood was streamed live on Netflix. Worshippers gathered under a large neon sign reading: “Blessed are the PR Agents.”
The altar was decorated with Montecito orchids, half-empty yoga mats, and a pulpit carved to resemble Meghan gazing bravely into the distance.
During the sermon, Meghan declared:
“I am misunderstood because I am too authentic. My suffering is unique, universal, and monetizable.”
Eyewitnesses described the congregation as “a mix of die-hard Sussex fans and people who thought they were at a SoulCycle pop-up.”
Expert Analysis
Dr. Celeste Vining, a religious anthropologist, explained:
“Throughout history, saints performed miracles—curing the sick, walking on water. Meghan’s miracle is convincing people she left royalty for privacy, then filming six Netflix specials about it.”
Meanwhile, a leaked memo from the Markle PR team revealed future plans: Meghan-branded rosaries (made of recycled microphones) and holy relics such as “Harry’s dignity” sold for $99.
The Poll Nobody Wanted
Bohiney Magazine polled 1,000 Americans:
If Meghan is a saint, what should she be patron of?
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38%: Overpriced candles.
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29%: Complaining while rich.
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20%: Awkwardly long pauses in interviews.
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13%: Waffle House hash browns (they misunderstood the question).
Grainy Cellphone Footage
A pilgrim recorded shaky video of Meghan declaring:
“My suffering is historic. The Bible had Job. The Crown has Meghan.”
Critics pointed out the difference: Job never had a Spotify deal.
The Punchline Ending
Asked if miracles would be part of her sainthood, Meghan replied:
“Yes. My first miracle is convincing America to keep listening. My second will be turning victimhood into an Olympic sport.”
Disclaimer
This article is satire. Meghan Markle has not been canonized—though Netflix would happily produce the ceremony if the Vatican doesn’t.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.