Millennials Killing Napkins, Diamonds, and Everything Else
Millennials Blamed for Death of Everything Except Responsibility for Boomers’ Feelings
Goodbye Napkins, Hello Avocado-Wrapped Apocalypse
If a product exists, odds are a boomer thinks a millennial killed it. Napkins? Replaced by beards. Diamonds? Too busy investing in therapy. Bar soap? We’ve evolved to body wash and existential dread.
Funny Evidence from Consumer Panic Reports
Business Insider recently listed 76 industries “destroyed” by millennials, including department stores, golf, marriage, and Applebee’s. One columnist asked, “Why don’t they like fax machines anymore?”
Quotes from a Generation on Trial
“I didn’t kill napkins,” said 29-year-old Devon Leaf. “I just use paper towels. And I don’t get married because love is expensive and so is rent.”
Satirical Observation
Meanwhile, Gen Z is slowly sneaking out the back door, letting millennials take all the blame while they eat Tide Pods and dismantle the prison-industrial complex on TikTok.
Comedian Weigh-In
“Millennials killed diamonds because we’re broke and already crying,” joked comic Nora Penn. “We don’t need shiny rocks, we need health insurance and emotional support water bottles.”
Conclusion: Napkins May Be Dead, But Irony Is Thriving
If you’re looking for what millennials actually killed, try toxic workplaces, unpaid internships, and the patience to explain landlines again.
For more generational carnage, unfold your feelings at bohiney.com
