NASA Admits Mars Mission Was Just Elaborate Excuse to Get Out of Family Thanksgiving
“It was either orbit the Red Planet or explain my divorce again.”
In a surprising post-mission debrief, NASA officials have revealed that the highly publicized **Artemis Mars Initiative** wasn’t about scientific discovery or interplanetary colonization — it was a desperate, meticulously engineered effort to avoid spending another Thanksgiving with extended family.
“We couldn’t take another holiday at Aunt Cheryl’s house,” confessed Dr. Nathan Blump, Chief Mission Architect. “There’s only so many times you can hear ‘when are you getting a real job?’ before you build a rocket and hurl yourself toward a lifeless rock.”
The $2.4 billion mission, previously described as a “giant leap for humanity,” has now been reclassified as a “giant sidestep from group therapy disguised as a dinner.”
Timeline of Avoidance: A Mission Years in the Making
According to internal emails leaked by NASA interns, the Mars mission was greenlit hours after a particularly traumatic Thanksgiving in 2018, during which five aerospace engineers were forced to sleep on inflatable mattresses beneath a plaque reading, *“Live, Laugh, Gravy.”*
“We knew then,” said mission commander Dr. Suri Vance, “we had to leave Earth. Or at least Ohio.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“NASA fleeing Thanksgiving is the most relatable thing they’ve ever done.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“They spent billions to avoid political small talk and dry turkey? Worth it.” — Ron White
“My family can clear a room faster than rocket fuel. NASA’s just being honest.” — Amy Schumer
New Objective: *Operation Cranberry Escape*
The official mission documents listed goals such as “Search for Water” and “Establish Habitation.” But mission logs obtained by *bohiney.com* tell a different story. Objectives included:
- “Avoid Uncle Dale’s crypto rants”
- “Escape Aunt Carol’s gluten-free emotional breakdown”
- “Never again hear the phrase ‘still single?’ from someone wearing a sweater with cats in Santa hats”
Apparently, one astronaut launched herself early after a cousin described her PhD in planetary geology as “rock feelings.”
Mars Rover “Percy” Found Crying in Crater
NASA’s Perseverance Rover — originally designed to explore Martian geology — was found parked in a crater broadcasting audio of *Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving* on repeat. When asked for comment, it beeped once and played the sound of silverware clinking over passive-aggressive conversation.
“It’s fine,” said Percy in a statement typed via wheel scrapes. “It’s not like I wanted to be invited to the mashed potatoes anyway.”
Holiday Misery Hits Escape Velocity
A survey of NASA employees revealed that 87% preferred microgravity-induced muscle atrophy to another round of **Thanksgiving charades** with their cousin Todd, who insists on playing as “sexy Grover Cleveland.”
Meanwhile, mission therapist Dr. Lydia Poole confirmed that “space offers the ideal environment to scream into the void without scaring grandma.”
International Space Agencies Now Considering Holiday Avoidance as Legitimate Strategy
The European Space Agency is planning a **Boxing Day Venus Fly-By**, while Japan’s JAXA is reportedly working on a Lunar New Year orbit to dodge in-laws and cold soba judgment. Elon Musk has already proposed a **Hanukkah on Titan** program, which includes menorahs that double as flamethrowers.
NASA Faces Backlash From Relatives Left Behind
Several family members have filed passive-aggressive grievances, citing abandonment and missed casseroles. Aunt Cheryl, in a Facebook post framed with glitter turkey emojis, wrote, “I guess space is more important than family. Enjoy your freeze-dried stuffing, you ungrateful moon nerds.”
One uncle mailed a turkey leg to NASA headquarters with the note: “Don’t call me when Mars has no gravy.”
Plans for Earth Return Delayed Indefinitely
NASA has now announced an “extended Martian rotation cycle,” which just happens to cover every major American holiday through 2029. Coincidence? Mission control merely responded with, “We are reviewing orbital logistics and emotional stability metrics.”
Unofficially, insiders say the team panicked after hearing the phrase “family reunion cruise” during a patchy signal from Wisconsin.
Conclusion: The Final Frontier Is Peace and Pie-Free Existence
As the crew enjoys their low-sodium, rehydrated gratitude packets under a pale Martian sky, one thing is clear — the future of interplanetary travel may not lie in science, but in humanity’s overwhelming desire to dodge relatives and side dishes that taste like betrayal.
And if that’s not worth the price of a rocket, what is?
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