Elon Musk Promises Brain Lasers “For Entertainment Purposes Only”
Austin, TX — Elon Musk made headlines again this week, announcing Neuralink’s new “Cerebral Beam” feature, which he swears is a non-weaponized brain laser. “This is strictly for entertainment,” Musk clarified while wearing protective goggles and aiming a pointer at a houseplant.
The new add-on, which is still in beta and only available to verified Dogecoin holders, allows Neuralink users to emit concentrated pulses of photon-based whimsy from their frontal cortex.
“You can’t melt steel beams,” said Musk, “but you can project a 3D hologram of a dancing penguin onto your coffee table using nothing but your thoughts and electrolytes.”
Skeptics are… skeptical.
“This is what we in neuroscience call the Lasikification of nonsense,” said Dr. Wendy Strobe, a cognitive surgeon at Stanford. “And someone’s going to shoot a pigeon.”
Neuralink released a disclaimer noting that the laser may cause “mild retinal jitter” in people who try to play Call of Duty while actively beaming TikToks from their brain.
Meanwhile, critics of Neuralink’s growing entertainment suite are worried about the next feature rumored in development: NeuroNetflix Party Mode, where your laughter can be monetized in real-time by advertisers beaming targeted cereal jingles into your amygdala.
Musk insists: “If anything bad happens, just turn it off. Or blink. Or pray.”