Office Plant Funerals
“It Was More Than a Plant. It Was the Last Thing That Was Growing in This Office.”
The marketing team at Trendora Solutions hosted a candlelight vigil this week for “Steve,” the ficus that had lived in the corner of Conference Room B since 2012. The plant, long revered for its resilience and emotional stability, succumbed to a fatal combination of overwatering, fluorescent despair, and passive-aggressive quarterly reports.
“We didn’t just lose a ficus,” said Brand Manager Kyle. “We lost a confidante. A leaf-covered therapist who never judged my spreadsheets.”
The memorial featured a PowerPoint montage of Steve’s finest leaves, a spoken-word eulogy by intern Marla, and a symbolic unpotting ceremony. A buffet of leaf-shaped cookies and green juice was served. No one touched the kale.
Senior management was initially confused. “We thought someone quit,” said the VP of Sales. “When we found out it was a plant, we almost canceled. But then we realized we cared more about Steve than Gary.”
The loss triggered widespread introspection. Several employees admitted they only came into the office to water Steve. Others confessed they shared their deepest thoughts with him during budget meetings. “I once whispered my resignation letter to his bark,” said one tearful analyst.
HR has scheduled a group therapy session and begun screening applicants for a replacement fern. The team rejected the first candidate, a bonsai described as “too smug.”
Steve’s pot has been left empty, accompanied by a plaque reading, “You Were Rooted in Us.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
