Haunted Porta-Potties
“It Told Me My Aura Was Blocked. Also, That We’re Out of Toilet Paper.”
Organizers of the MoonGlow Music Festival in northern California are scrambling to investigate the mysterious events surrounding Porta-Potty #7, which dozens of attendees now believe to be haunted–or worse, sentient. Reports include chilling whispers, phantom flushes, and one man who claims the toilet gave him advice on his love life.
“It said, ‘He’s not into you, babe,’ then growled,” said festivalgoer Alicia Ray. “Honestly, it was more helpful than my therapist.”
Staff initially blamed dehydration and shrooms, but the evidence mounted. Security footage showed the door creaking open on its own, rolls of toilet paper unraveling mid-air, and fog leaking from the vents at precisely 3:33 a.m.
A TikTok of a girl entering the unit and emerging with different hair and an inexplicable British accent now has 9.7 million views. She’s since been offered a book deal and a Netflix special titled *Lavatory Lamentations.*
Festival organizers tried to remove the unit, but every crane malfunctioned near it. “The last guy that tried is now in therapy and only speaks in spooky riddles,” said one crew member.
Locals claim the porta-potty was placed atop a ley line of defiled Burning Man portables from the early 2000s. Paranormal investigators confirmed high EMF readings and traces of ghost glitter.
The toilet remains in place, now with velvet ropes and a guestbook. One entry reads, “Cleansed spiritually and literally.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
