Theme Song Obsessions
“I Thought It Was a Phase. Now I Wake Up Humming About Being ‘There for You.'”
In a saga equal parts psychological thriller and musical Stockholm syndrome, college student April Lin has been driven to the brink by her roommate Kelsey’s refusal to stop playing the theme song from *Friends* on repeat. Over the course of seven days, Kelsey listened to “I’ll Be There for You” 147 times–twice during showers, three times during sleep, and once during a crying jag over incorrectly cooked ravioli.
“She started as a casual listener,” April said. “Then it escalated to choreographed clapping at 3 a.m. I tried to intervene, but she said the laugh track in her head wouldn’t stop unless she fed it.”
Kelsey insists it’s part of her “emotional self-branding.” “The ’90s were simpler,” she said. “Back then, your job was a joke, your love life was DOA, and that was empowering.”
April attempted a counterattack by playing the *Cheers* theme song on loop, but both women ended up crying under a shared blanket whispering, “Where everybody knows your name ”
Campus mental health services were called after Kelsey began labeling her houseplants “Ross,” “Monica,” and “Janice” and demanding they each have their own mug.
A mediation session ended abruptly when April shouted, “You were on a break!” and threw a remote into the communal crockpot.
Their dorm now has its own Spotify warning label. RA Tony has posted a sign reading, “THIS FLOOR IS A NO-CLAP ZONE.”
April has since moved out and now rooms with someone obsessed with *Law & Order*, which she describes as “monotonous, but safe.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
