Bezos Cites “Budget” While Launching Bouquet into Orbit

Eyewitnesses confirm that Jeff Bezos, when asked why there was no bouquet toss at his wedding, activated a Blue Origin prototype and launched the floral arrangement into low Earth orbit.

The bouquet—made of lab-grown roses and space-compatible eucalyptus—was strapped to a rocket named “Prom Date One.” As it lifted off from a barge in the Venetian Lagoon, Bezos grinned and muttered, “Much cheaper than Gaga.”

Guests clapped, some in confusion, others from fear. One bachelorette cried out, “Does this mean I’m never getting married?!”

Bezos later claimed, “We had to cut costs somewhere,” while sipping martinis mixed with meltwater from an actual Himalayan glacier.

Lauren Sánchez added: “Jeff promised me flowers that would go where no bouquet has gone before. I didn’t realize that meant literally.”

NASA issued a brief statement: “We’ve tracked foreign debris entering upper-atmospheric layers. Status: petal-based. No action necessary.”

Meanwhile, a confused SpaceX satellite briefly locked onto the bouquet, mistaking it for Elon’s pride.

Bezos’s PR team issued a tweet that read, “#WeddingsAreAboutPriorities.”

Apparently, that priority is ensuring future Martians know who caught the first interplanetary garland.