Tehran Declares Rush Hour a National Emergency, Offers Therapy Goats
In an unprecedented move, the Tehran city council has officially reclassified rush hour as a “National Emergency Event,” placing it in the same category as earthquakes, missile attacks, and accidentally mentioning politics at family dinners.
With gridlock reaching levels not seen since the release of Shajarian’s Greatest Hits and gas lines spiraling into the upper atmosphere, city officials declared martial traffic law. Citizens are now advised to carry granola bars, inflatable mattresses, and a goat. Yes, a goat.
“These aren’t just any goats,” explained Deputy Mayor Farhad Nabavi. “They’re government-certified therapy goats, trained to bleat in calming tones and gently nibble away your panic.”
The goats—nicknamed “stress lambs” by locals—are being distributed near major intersections. Drivers trapped in multi-hour delays are encouraged to pet them while listening to state-approved playlists of classical Persian flute remixes.
Eyewitnesses report the goats are helping, though one became overwhelmed after being stuck in the sunroof of a Daewoo for six hours.
Meanwhile, influencers are monetizing the moment. A new app, GoatU, allows users to summon emotional-support livestock directly to their car windows. Premium subscribers receive goats dressed in traditional Kurdish outfits and an optional recitation of Rumi poetry.
The World Health Organization has praised the effort, calling it “the most culturally appropriate response to collective urban collapse since Denmark handed out free bicycles during a butter shortage.”
Early data suggests that while traffic hasn’t improved, goat serotonin levels are through the roof.
SOURCE: Tehran Evacuation Chaos