Now Available at Mar-a-Lago Gift Shop in Gold, Platinum, and Limited-Edition Smug
Trump Bans Mirrors That Reflect Regret, Sells New Model That Only Shows Winners
Now Available at Mar-a-Lago Gift Shop in Gold, Platinum, and Limited-Edition Smug
PALM BEACH, FL — In his ongoing campaign to eliminate the “toxic influence of reflection,” Donald J. Trump has unveiled a new line of “Pro-Victory Mirrors” that reject any visual display of shame, doubt, or second-guessing.
“People have been using mirrors wrong for centuries,” Trump explained during a poolside press conference flanked by two wax statues of himself. “A mirror should show you as great as you feel. Anything else is fake glass.”
The new mirrors, sold exclusively at Mar-a-Lago and select Bass Pro Shops, come with a built-in filter that replaces downturned lips with smirks and digitally deletes frown lines labeled “weakness creases.”
Each mirror comes with a sound chip that plays affirmations like “You nailed it again!” and “Only losers apologize.”
Melania was reportedly gifted a prototype but returned it for “one that doesn’t talk back.”
Democrats have labeled the product “dangerous to introspection,” prompting Trump to tweet: “Introspection is for nerds and ex-husbands.”
Sales are strong among influencers, political consultants, and anyone who’s recently ruined Thanksgiving dinner without blinking.
The next version is rumored to include a feature called “Historical Rewrite Mode.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
