Program Also Available for Supporters Who Once Said “Maybe He Went Too Far”
Trump Introduces “Presidential Pardon for Apologies,” Retroactively Clears Himself of All Past Almost-Regrets
Program Also Available for Supporters Who Once Said “Maybe He Went Too Far”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a ceremonial stroke of a Sharpie and a wink that could melt granite, Donald J. Trump has issued a sweeping executive order: the *Presidential Pardon for Apologies.* The new program retroactively absolves him–and any loyal supporter–of ever having come close to admitting fault, regret, or even mild hesitation.
“This is not just for me,” Trump explained, “it’s for every patriot who accidentally said “Sorry’ when they really meant “You’re welcome.'”
Effective immediately, the Department of Justice will issue laminated “Regret Immunity Cards” to qualifying Americans. The card features Trump giving a double thumbs-up while stomping on a dictionary opened to the word “contrition.”
White House Press Secretary Ronny Jackson clarified, “This applies to apologies verbal, written, mime-based, or muttered while looking at your shoes.”
Melania asked if she could get a card for a friend. Trump winked again.
The first recipient was a Florida man who once apologized for yelling at a drone during a Trump boat parade. “I take it back,” he now says proudly.
“Apologies are the gateway drug to weakness,” Trump declared. “I just made America rehab-resistant.”
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
