Melania Says It’s “Better Than the Eagle With a Combover”
Trump Replaces Presidential Seal With “No Regrets” Tattoo Design, Congress Faints
Melania Says It’s “Better Than the Eagle With a Combover”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his boldest interior redesign since painting the Situation Room gold, Donald Trump has officially replaced the traditional Presidential Seal with an airbrushed tattoo design reading “No Regrets” across a flexed bicep holding a cheeseburger.
“Presidents have seals. Legends have ink,” Trump explained to stunned reporters, flanked by Kid Rock and a tattoo artist named “Jett.”
The new emblem, which now adorns every lectern, podium, Air Force One carpet, and some unsuspecting interns’ jackets, includes subtle details such as:
- Thirteen fries replacing the original stars
- An eagle biting a subpoena
- The Latin phrase “Nunc Mea Est” (“Now It’s Mine”)
Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy reportedly fainted when he first saw it, though insiders claim it may have just been “keto fatigue.”
Melania shrugged at the change, stating, “At least he didn’t get it tattooed on his back again.”
Meanwhile, the National Archives have filed an injunction to preserve the original seal, but Trump has countered by replacing the Constitution with laminated pages from The Art of the Deal.
“This is branding. This is alpha. This is America with the parking brake off,” Trump said, striking a pose under a blacklight.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
