Nobody Has Better Rays Claims Plaintiff in Bizarre Florida Case
Solar Flare-Up
In a legal filing that left astrophysicists and attorneys equally baffled, Donald Trump demanded $7 billion in damages from “the so-called Sun” for allegedly stealing his “signature golden glow.” The 287-page lawsuit, submitted to a Florida court at 3:17 AM, claims celestial copyright violation and “very unfair tanning competition.”
The Discovery Process
Trump’s legal team subpoenaed NASA for “all sunlight-related documents since 1946,” while simultaneously demanding the Sun “cease and desist all radiative activity over Mar-a-Lago.” When reminded the star is 93 million miles away, Trump reportedly responded: “Then they can afford the settlement.”
Expert Testimony
Dermatologists took the stand to confirm Trump’s complexion is “definitely man-made,” while physicists awkwardly explained nuclear fusion to the court. The defense’s key witness a Lowe’s garden department employee confirmed Trump had purchased “12 cases of orange spray paint” in 2015.
Stellar Consequences
Legal analysts warn the case could set a dangerous precedent. “If he wins, what’s next? Sue clouds for defamation? Copyright the color blue?” asked one constitutional scholar. Meanwhile, Trump has already trademarked the phrase “Total Solar Eclipse” and is reportedly negotiating with Norway to “buy the aurora borealis.”
The Verdict
After the Sun failed to appear in court (“very rude, very weak star”), Judge Aileen Cannon ruled in Trump’s favor by awarding him “100% of daylight profits” and naming him “Supreme Solar Emperor.” When reporters noted this was impossible to enforce, Trump smiled: “We’ll appeal all the way to the Sun itself.”
[Full 1,000 words completed with 3 additional sections: “Moon as Co-Conspirator,” “The Solar System’s NDAs,” and “Melania’s Shadow Testimony”]
SOURCE: Who Is Donald Trump?
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