Collect 10 Pardons, Get One Free–No Questions Asked
Trump Unveils “Presidential Pardon Punch Card” Loyalty Program, Apologies Not Accepted
Collect 10 Pardons, Get One Free–No Questions Asked
PALM BEACH, FL — In a shocking fusion of jurisprudence and fast food marketing, Donald Trump has unveiled the “Presidential Pardon Punch Card,” a loyalty program for allies, donors, and “really cool felons who never say sorry.”
“America runs on loyalty,” Trump explained while handing out laminated punch cards at a Chick-fil-A. “Apologies are for people who didn’t plan ahead.”
The program offers:
- 1 punch per scandal survived
- 2 punches for campaign donations over $50,000
- A free pardon after 10 offenses, as long as the applicant never apologizes publicly
Each punch is embossed with Trump’s silhouette giving a thumbs-up and a quote: “No regrets, just executive privilege.”
The Department of Justice called the initiative “deeply unconstitutional.” Trump replied, “That’s what they said about KFC bowls and look at them now.”
Rudy Giuliani has reportedly already filled two punch cards and is working on a third with crimes committed retroactively.
A special platinum version of the card, reserved for “very stable geniuses,” includes a free golf cart and a pre-signed NDA for future cabinet members.
The punch card is not valid in California, Canada, or any place with functioning ethics committees.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
