Bohiney Magazine

Volume 1, Issue 21 – Saturday, July 5, 1947

“America’s Trusted Source for Satirical Truth”

First Peacetime Draft Since 1940 Proposed, Government Discovers It Likes Controlling Young Men During Peace Too

WASHINGTON, DC – President Truman this week proposed extending Selective Service peacetime draft, establishing precedent that government should maintain permanent authority to conscript young men even when no war requires their service, creating standing army through compulsion rather than voluntary enlistment that characterized American military throughout most of nation’s history.

“We need military preparedness,” administration officials explain while advocating that government should force young men into military service during peacetime, apparently believing that freedom is best defended by eliminating freedom of some citizens to choose their own paths.

The draft represents government power at its most coercive: forcing citizens into government service under threat of imprisonment, seizing years of their lives, and paying them wages below market rates while calling it patriotic duty rather than what it actually is—involuntary servitude exempted from Thirteenth Amendment through military necessity exception now applied when no military necessity exists.

“But what about national defense?” supporters ask, as if voluntary military couldn’t possibly attract sufficient recruits without government compulsion, suggesting either that military service is so unappealing that force is required or that government prefers conscription to paying competitive wages that would attract volunteers.

The proposal establishes that young men’s lives belong to government, which may commandeer their time and labor whenever officials deem it necessary, creating system where government decides who serves rather than individuals deciding whether to serve.

“Everyone should serve,” draft advocates declare while proposing system where “everyone” means “young men” and “should serve” means “will be forced to serve under threat of imprisonment,” revealing that universal service rhetoric actually means selective service for demographic that lacks political power to resist.

Conservative critics note that peacetime draft represents expansion of federal power beyond Constitutional limits, but such objections apparently don’t matter when military wants permanent conscription authority regardless of whether threats justify it.

The free market solution—paying competitive wages to attract voluntary recruits—is rejected as too expensive, revealing that draft is actually about cheap labor acquired through coercion rather than national defense requiring unwilling conscripts who would prefer pursuing their own goals.

“Young men benefit from military service,” supporters claim, as if government forcing people into experiences “for their own good” represents freedom rather than paternalistic tyranny that assumes government knows better than individuals what experiences they should have.

The draft applies only to men, creating gender-based government servitude that feminists should oppose but often don’t because they oppose military generally and draft specifically forcing women into service, revealing that opposition to government coercion is selective based on who gets coerced.

As of press time, Congress was debating draft extension while young men wondered why their freedom to choose their own paths was considered less important than government’s convenience in acquiring cheap labor through compulsion rather than market competition.

Truman Doctrine Commits America To Global Anti-Communist Crusade, Taxpayers To Eternal Funding Of Foreign Governments

WASHINGTON, DC – President Truman’s doctrine of containing Communism through military and economic aid to threatened nations has now expanded beyond Greece and Turkey to apparently everywhere Communist influence might appear, creating open-ended commitment to global intervention funded by American taxpayers who weren’t consulted about whether they wanted to finance every anti-Communist government on earth.

“We must contain Soviet expansion,” administration officials explain while advocating that American money should flow to any government that declares itself anti-Communist regardless of whether that government is democratic, competent, or remotely aligned with American values beyond opposing Soviets.

The Truman Doctrine establishes precedent that American resources should be deployed globally to prevent Communist political victories, creating policy where American taxpayers fund foreign governments’ domestic political battles while being told this protects American security despite happening thousands of miles away.

“If one nation falls to Communism, others will follow,” proponents argue using domino theory that conveniently requires perpetual American intervention everywhere because apparently no nation can resist Communist ideology without American money backing their governments.

This reasoning suggests that freedom and capitalism are so unappealing that only continuous American financial support prevents global Communist victory, raising uncomfortable questions about whether our system is actually superior if it requires constant expensive intervention to prevent people from choosing alternatives.

The policy commits America to supporting any government that opposes Communism, regardless of that government’s actual character, creating situation where American money flows to authoritarian regimes that aren’t Communist but aren’t exactly bastions of freedom either.

“We’re defending democracy,” officials claim while backing governments that are decidedly undemocratic but are anti-Communist, revealing that actual principle is opposing Soviet power rather than promoting freedom, though freedom sounds better in speeches justifying taxpayer spending.

The Constitutional question—where does federal government get authority to tax Americans to fund foreign governments?—is ignored because Cold War apparently suspends Constitutional limits on federal power, at least when it comes to foreign intervention that defense contractors and foreign aid recipients enthusiastically support.

The precedent being established will definitely not result in decades of expensive commitments in dozens of countries where American money and eventually American lives are spent achieving ambiguous results while enriching foreign politicians and American defense contractors.

“This is about national security,” supporters insist while expanding definition of national security to include political arrangements in countries most Americans couldn’t locate on map, suggesting that American security depends on controlling events everywhere rather than defending actual America from actual threats.

As of press time, Truman Doctrine was being applied to more countries while American taxpayers wondered when they’d agreed to finance every anti-Communist government on earth and whether they could opt out of this arrangement they never consented to.

Dentist’s “This Won’t Hurt” Confirmed As Deliberate Falsehood By Every Patient Ever

DETROIT, MI – Local dentist Dr. Theodore Pemberton’s repeated assurance that procedure “won’t hurt” has been identified by patients as transparent lie told to prevent panic rather than accurate description of upcoming pain that definitely will hurt regardless of dentist’s claims.

“This won’t hurt,” Pemberton announced while approaching patient Walter Grimsby with drill designed specifically to hurt.

“Are you sure?” Grimsby asked while preparing for pain he knew was coming despite dentist’s false reassurance.

“You might feel some pressure,” Pemberton clarified, deploying euphemism that means “this will hurt considerably but I’m calling it pressure to make you feel better about inevitable suffering.”

The procedure hurt. Significantly. “Pressure” proved to be accurate description of what Grimsby felt if pressure is measured in units of pain experienced while dentist drills into tooth nerve.

“That wasn’t so bad,” Pemberton claimed after completing procedure that Grimsby would describe as “extremely bad” and “exactly as painful as expected despite promises otherwise.”

Dentists apparently learn during dental school that telling patients truth about upcoming pain creates resistance to treatment, so instead they lie about pain while calling lies “managing patient anxiety” as if deception is preferable to honest discussion about discomfort.

“Why do you say it won’t hurt when it obviously will hurt?” patients ask while already knowing answer: dentists need patients to remain still during painful procedures, and honesty about pain makes remaining still more difficult.

“Different people have different pain tolerances,” dentists explain, suggesting that their claim about pain is accurate for somebody somewhere even if not accurate for person currently experiencing pain after being told there would be no pain.

The “you’ll feel some pressure” euphemism particularly annoys patients who recognize it as linguistic trick where painful experience is redefined as different sensation to maintain fiction that dentist was truthful about pain not occurring.

“It’s just pressure,” dentists insist while applying drill to nerve endings that evolved specifically to detect and report pain, making “pressure” technically accurate if one defines pressure as “sensation of drill contacting nerve causing pain.”

Some dentists have abandoned false reassurances in favor of honesty about upcoming discomfort. These dentists report that patients appreciate honesty even when honesty involves admitting procedure will hurt, suggesting that adults prefer truth over comforting lies about their immediate future.

As of press time, Pemberton was telling another patient that root canal “won’t hurt at all” while that patient prepared for pain he absolutely would experience regardless of what dentist claimed about upcoming procedure.

Family Pet’s Ability To Sense Vet Visit From Mere Car Key Sound Baffles Scientists

CLEVELAND, OH – Morrison family dog Buster has demonstrated remarkable ability to detect veterinary appointments through apparently superhuman awareness of car keys being retrieved, car engine starting, and family members displaying subtle behavioral cues indicating impending trip to place dog desperately wants to avoid.

“Come here, Buster,” owner Ernest Morrison called while holding leash and keys.

Buster had already disappeared under bed three rooms away, having detected vet visit through combination of auditory cues, owner body language, and possibly psychic powers that scientists cannot explain but dog definitely possesses.

“How does he know?” Morrison wondered while attempting to extract sixty-pound dog from under bed where Buster had wedged himself with determination suggesting he’d prefer remaining under bed permanently to spending thirty minutes at veterinary office.

The detection ability extends beyond obvious signals. Buster can apparently sense vet visits when:

• Keys are picked up with specific purpose
• Family members whisper about “taking him to vet”
• Appointment exists on calendar even if nobody has mentioned it
• Owner thinks about vet visit without verbalizing thought

“He’s not this difficult about going to park,” Morrison noted while wondering why dog who eagerly jumps in car for trips to park somehow becomes unmovable object when car trip involves veterinary care.

The extraction process required fifteen minutes of coaxing, followed by five minutes of pushing, followed by realization that Buster was wedged under bed through technique that shouldn’t be physically possible for dog his size.

“He liquefied somehow,” Morrison explained while describing how solid dog had apparently become fluid to fit in space too small for solid dog to occupy.

Eventually Morrison gave up on extraction and rescheduled appointment, granting Buster victory in battle of wills between man and dog who understands that refusing to emerge from under bed is effective strategy for avoiding unpleasant experiences.

As of press time, Buster had emerged from under bed approximately thirty seconds after Morrison called to cancel appointment, suggesting either remarkable hearing that detected phone conversation three rooms away or continued evidence of psychic abilities that allow him to sense when danger has passed.

Teenager’s Room Cleaning Consists Entirely Of Shoving Everything Into Closet

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Fifteen-year-old Robert Morrison’s attempt to clean bedroom resulted in items being relocated from floor and furniture into closet where they now occupy identical chaotic arrangement but behind closed door, satisfying letter of parental cleaning requirement while violating spirit completely.

“Clean your room,” his mother Dorothy instructed with expectation that cleaning meant organizing, putting items away properly, and creating orderly space.

“It’s clean,” Robert announced thirty minutes later while gesturing at room that appeared clean because all visible surfaces were clear.

Investigation revealed that apparent cleanliness resulted from shoving everything into closet and closing door, creating impression of order through concealment rather than actual organization.

“The closet is packed solid,” Dorothy noted while opening closet door and watching avalanche of items tumble out.

“You said clean my room,” Robert defended. “You didn’t say clean my closet. The room is clean. The closet is a different space.”

This technically accurate interpretation of cleaning instructions reveals teenage ability to follow literal meaning of requirements while completely avoiding intended purpose, creating compliance with letter of law while violating obvious intent.

“When I say clean your room, I mean organize everything properly,” Dorothy clarified while knowing this clarification would result in Robert finding new creative interpretation that satisfied technical requirements without actual cleaning.

The closet contained items including dirty clothes mixed with clean clothes, school papers from September, several plates from meals consumed weeks ago, baseball equipment nobody knew was missing, and items whose original purposes had been forgotten but which apparently deserved storage in closet rather than trash.

“I’ll organize it later,” Robert promised while having no intention of organizing anything, planning instead to leave closet packed until next cleaning requirement when he would remove items from closet, scatter them around room, then shove them back in closet while claiming he’d cleaned again.

Some parents have attempted to prevent closet-shoving strategy through specific instructions prohibiting it. Teenagers respond by finding alternative concealment locations including under bed, behind furniture, and inside storage containers that create appearance of organization while actually just containing chaos in smaller enclosed spaces.

As of press time, Robert’s room appeared clean to casual inspection while closet contained disaster zone suggesting earthquake had occurred inside enclosed space, which technically satisfied cleaning requirement even if it violated every reasonable interpretation of what cleaning should accomplish.

Man’s Parallel Parking Attempt Draws Crowd Of Amused Onlookers

BALTIMORE, MD – Local resident Harold Finchley’s seventeen-minute struggle to parallel park his automobile yesterday attracted audience of approximately twelve pedestrians who paused their activities to witness parking attempt that one observer described as “impressively bad” and another called “performance art about failure.”

The space measured approximately six feet longer than Finchley’s car, providing ample room for parking under normal circumstances. Finchley’s circumstances proved abnormal.

First attempt resulted in car positioned diagonal across space at forty-five-degree angle. Second attempt achieved perpendicular positioning. Third attempt got car halfway into space before Finchley apparently lost track of which direction wheels were turned.

“Maybe back up,” one helpful observer suggested.

“I know what I’m doing,” Finchley replied while demonstrating through continued failed attempts that he did not, in fact, know what he was doing.

Attempts four through eleven produced variations on themes of diagonal positioning, perpendicular positioning, and one memorable attempt where car faced opposite direction entirely despite Finchley never putting it in reverse.

“How did you even do that?” observer asked.

Finchley couldn’t explain.

The crowd grew from curious individuals who stopped to watch to committed audience members who canceled plans to witness conclusion of parking saga that had consumed more time than most theatrical performances.

“Is he trying to park or trying to escape?” one observer wondered while Finchley executed maneuver that moved car farther from space rather than into it.

Attempt seventeen finally succeeded in positioning car mostly within space, though final positioning left vehicle approximately fourteen inches from curb and angled slightly into traffic lane.

“Close enough,” Finchley announced while exiting car as crowd dispersed, some applauding his eventual success while others applauded end of ordeal.

As of press time, Finchley’s car remained in parking space he’d struggled seventeen minutes to enter, though traffic patterns suggested drivers were giving his poorly positioned vehicle wider berth than usual, possibly fearing he might suddenly attempt to exit space with same skill he’d demonstrated entering it.

About This Issue

Bohiney Magazine – Volume 1, Issue 21 – Published every Saturday from our offices in Washington, DC.

Editorial Staff, 1947: Editors-in-Chief: Corporal Henry “Hank” Bohiney & Sergeant Lester “Les” Krupke
Senior Correspondents: Dorothy Ashworth, Harold K. Pennington III
Contributing Satirist: Reginald “Reggie” Buttonworth

Bohiney Magazine: Defending individual liberty, limited government, free markets, and personal responsibility since 1947. All articles are works of satire.