Mystical MLMs
“She Said It Wasn’t a Pyramid. It Was an Energetic Spiral.”
Wellness startup LumynSpark promised its members spiritual growth, chakra cleansing, and passive income–all via bulk purchases of crystal starter packs, vibration lotions, and something called “Third Eye Jam.”
“You don’t sell products,” explained top-tier seller Astra Vibe. “You share vibrational potential while recruiting others into your frequency field.”
New recruits had to buy in at the Amethyst Level, with options to ascend through Quartz, Moonstone, and “Full Diamond Ascension.”
One member said, “I just wanted peace. I now owe $2,400 and sleep next to 73 unused crystal combs.”
The FTC began investigating after a group meditation session spiraled into an angry shouting match over commission splits and lavender aura rights.
LumynSpark’s official stance: “Truth is a frequency. So is money.”
Their next product line includes “Astral Affirmation NFTs.”
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.