Parades to Feature Floats Shaped Like Shrugs and Golden Deflections
Trump Proposes National “Never Sorry Day,” Replaces Presidents’ Day With Celebration of Bold Denial
Parades to Feature Floats Shaped Like Shrugs and Golden Deflections
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a sweeping stroke of unapologetic patriotism, Donald J. Trump has proposed replacing Presidents’ Day with a new national holiday: *Never Sorry Day.* Designed to celebrate strength, deflection, and the fine American art of doubling down, the holiday will honor individuals who’ve never once uttered “my fault.”
“Lincoln had regrets. Sad. Washington admitted mistakes. Weak,” Trump said. “This day is for winners–people who blamed the intern and moved on.”
Planned events include a 21-excuse salute, a live reading of Trump’s favorite self-congratulatory tweets, and a moment of silence for everyone who ever owned up to anything. “Let them be a lesson in what not to do,” Trump solemnly intoned.
Melania declined to attend, claiming “I already live Never Sorry Day every day.”
The main parade will feature floats shaped like golden deflection shields, oversized shrug emojis, and one mechanical Trump shouting “Not it!” while throwing subpoenas like candy.
Schools will now teach a revised civics lesson called “The Constitution of Confidence.”
“Apology is a gateway drug to reflection,” Trump warned. “This nation can’t afford either.”
Congress is expected to pass the measure as soon as someone else agrees to take the blame.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
