Farm-to-table restaurants that just microwave stuff

Farm-to-Table(ish): Where Local Means “From the Freezer Nearby”

Now Featuring Hand-Crafted Lies and Pre-Packaged Peas

“We’re farm-to-table,” says the server proudly, while handing you a burger that tastes suspiciously like it came from aisle seven of Costco–via microwave express.

Funny Evidence from the Faux-Fresh Front

One place claimed their soup was “made from scratch” and served it still cold in the center. Another listed “foraged herbs,” which turned out to be parsley from a Sysco tub.

Quote from a Culinary Illusionist

“Our chef believes in simplicity,” said owner Basil Bluffington, “which is why we use the microwave. It honors the ingredients’ original confusion.”

Satirical Snapshot

These places charge $27 for mashed potatoes and call them “hand-pressed root vegetables infused with earth intention.” Spoiler: it’s instant mix with a rosemary leaf on top.

Conclusion: It’s Not Farm-to-Table if the Farm Is a Deep Freezer

Local food should taste like dirt and pride–not like a Hot Pocket that took a wrong turn into pretension.

For more menu mythology, chew over at bohiney.com