Accuses Atmosphere of Unauthorized Mercy; Cloud Detained for “Performing Moisture Without License”

By: Rami Rami, Senior Precipitation Correspondent

The Skies Are Guilty: Wahhabi Cleric Declares Rain Un-Islamic Innovation

RIYADH — A senior Wahhabi cleric has issued a thunderous fatwa declaring that **rainfall is bid’ah**—an innovation with no precedent in early Islam. Sheikh Tareq ibn Kharoof, a well-known scholar at the Institute of Eternal Frowns, declared that “unsanctioned atmospheric moisture” violates core tenets of Wahhabi purity and “makes people too joyful, which leads to dancing, which leads to Beyoncé.”

“There is no evidence in the Hadith that the Prophet approved of wetness falling from the sky unsupervised,” Sheikh Kharoof said, standing beneath a rusting awning with a frown so powerful it affected barometric pressure.

Clouds Accused of Freelance Benevolence

The decree comes after several clouds were observed over Riyadh, delivering unscheduled rain to a children’s soccer match. One cloud—later named in court filings as “Cumulus Ibn Puffy”—was taken into custody by Saudi Airspace Morality Drones. Eyewitnesses report it was “violently condensed” during detainment.

“This is not mercy, it is rebellion,” said Sheikh Kharoof, pointing to weather maps as if they were the Torah. “These clouds act as if they can give blessings on their own. Only Allah decides when and how to hydrate!”

Observations from the Downpour of Insanity

• Rain was seen helping plants grow, which was instantly deemed a socialist conspiracy.
• All umbrellas are now to be certified as “Halal Shade Objects.”
• Clouds found with “non-compliant” shapes—like elephants or fluffy bunnies—are labeled “idolatrous distractions.”
• Citizens now require clerical approval before skipping in puddles.
• Thunder was investigated for sounding suspiciously like music.
• Rainbows are considered “Western gender propaganda.”
• New Islamic forecast apps issue fatwas instead of alerts.
• Lightning is currently on trial for unauthorized light shows.
• All water must now fall from approved faucets only.
• Camels were caught smiling under the drizzle and are undergoing reeducation.
• Children caught making paper boats were labeled as “deviants of the nautical bid’ah.”
• Saudi Arabia is considering replacing clouds with trained smoke signals from state mosques.
• The punishment for unlicensed evaporation is “perpetual dryness.”
• All hydrologists now report to the Ministry of Desert Affairs.
• Qatar responded by offering scholarships to clouds seeking “political asylum.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Rain is bid’ah? Then I guess slipping in puddles is now a religious trial.” — Ron White

“Only in Wahhabistan could clouds be arrested without reading them their ‘cloudmiranda’ rights.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“This is what happens when fundamentalism gets a weather app.” — Sarah Silverman

“Y’all banning the sky now? I guess next week it’s oxygen for being too Western.” — Dave Chappelle

“How do you even detain a cloud? A really big ziplock?” — Kevin Hart

“Rain is emotional. Wahhabis hate emotion. Problem solved.” — Roseanne Barr

“When the forecast says ‘0% sense, 100% satire,’ you’re in Saudi Arabia.” — Trevor Noah

“I bet the rain fell out of fear of the cleric’s face.” — Chris Rock

“No more water. Next: all moisture to be approved by fax machine.” — Tig Notaro

“If this is what divine law looks like, I’m converting to meteorology.” — Larry David

Divine Meteorology: The Official Clerical Forecast

Following the announcement, the Saudi Meteorological Office was placed under the direct control of the **Committee for Atmospheric Orthodoxy**, a newly formed council of scholars with no meteorological experience but extensive knowledge of frowning. Their first action was to replace weather maps with Qur’anic verse flowcharts.

Clerics have proposed a two-weather calendar: **“Permissible Dry”** and **“Test of Suffering Damp.”** Rainfall during Ramadan is now considered a distraction from spiritual thirst. “Thirst is holy,” said Assistant Mufti of Moisture Affairs, Ayman al-Towel.

Scientific Reaction: A Storm of Laughter

Scientists at the Middle East Institute for Atmospheric Studies responded with an open letter: “While we respect cultural values, we do not believe meteorological phenomena answer to clerics. In fact, rainfall is governed by physics, not fatwas.” The letter was promptly banned, and its authors forced to present their findings using dry-erase sandboards.

“I used to study cloud density,” said Dr. Leila Barq. “Now I’m teaching camel burping to comply with religious optics. It’s career whiplash.”

Societal Impact: From Moist to Most Absurd

Since the fatwa, desert towns have experienced chaos:

• Construction companies now sell “blessing domes” to shield workers from unsanctioned mercy.
• Farmers are being issued “spiritual desiccant packs” to absorb any divine leakage.
• Hajj pilgrims are required to recite disclaimers before wiping raindrops from their brows.
• Children must sign anti-wetness pledges at school.
• Washing hands with rainfall is considered “hydro-bid’ah.”

One Cloud’s Defense Statement

In a historic first, Cumulus Ibn Puffy was granted representation and issued a statement through an interpreter (a fog machine operated by legal aid volunteers):

“I was merely drifting by, minding my vapor. I saw a village thirsty, and my instinct—granted by the very laws of creation—was to provide. If that is innovation, then mercy itself stands trial.”

The cloud was sentenced to indefinite evaporation. Appeals are pending, but its defense team has filed for asylum in the upper troposphere.

Historical Precedents of Anti-Rain Sentiment

This is not the first time clerics have clashed with climate. In 1883, a village imam allegedly tried to ban wind for “whispering secrets to skirts.” In 1954, fog was declared haram in rural Mecca after being accused of “lowering visibility into the soul.”

But this marks the first instance of **modern legal proceedings** being filed against **non-sentient weather systems**, setting a chilling precedent in jurisprudence and climate activism.

Global Reactions: The World Drips with Satire

The Vatican released a statement: “While we may not agree with Wahhabism, we do agree that some things are best left to God—like gravity and clouds.”

Meanwhile, the Dalai Lama tweeted a meme of a cloud laughing with the caption: *“Try banning me, bro.”*

Al Jazeera ran a special entitled **“When Skies Cry Without Permission”**, featuring expert panels and interviews with droplets.

Economic Fallout: The Drying of Commerce

Saudi Arabia’s bottled water industry has been ordered to display warnings: “Contains rebellious elements.” Luxury hotels have replaced showers with “ritual sand-dusting stations.” Fashion designers are rebranding waterproof clothing as “apostasy ponchos.”

And in a baffling twist, Yemen offered to “adopt any abandoned clouds,” launching a nationwide ad campaign: *“Free the Fluff: Rain Belongs to All.”*

Closing Monsoon: Footnotes from the Desert

Back in Riyadh, Sheikh Kharoof now travels with an entourage carrying tarps and religious blowdryers. The public is divided. Some quietly mock the fatwa with puns like *“No pain, no rain”* while others form underground rain parties featuring outlawed activities like flower-watering and unregulated puddle-jumping.

One teenage rebel, known only as “Stormboy,” has been uploading videos of himself dancing in drizzle to the tune of “Let It Rain” by David Nail. His YouTube channel, “Damp Disobedience,” has 8 million views and 43 warrants.

As for the skies—they remain unrepentant. Clouds continue to gather at the horizon, preparing for their next unsanctioned blessing. Somewhere in the upper stratosphere, Ibn Puffy weeps. And it begins to rain again.