Antonio Brown: From Millions to McNuggets
The Athlete’s Guide to Financial Freedom (a.k.a. Freedom from Finances)
If you’ve ever dreamed of making $100 million and then blowing it all in record time, look no further than professional athletes. Antonio Brown may have once been a star wide receiver, but his money-management skills could use a few more Hail Marys. Athletes like Brown seem to think the key to a fulfilling retirement is to burn through cash like it’s kindling at a campfire.
Here are the rules of this financial game plan for athletic legends. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t end in a financial touchdown.
“Athletes spend money like they just won the lottery—every day for 10 years straight.” – Taylor Tomlinson
The Supercar Addiction
Step one: Buy 17 luxury cars because you obviously need a new one for every day of the week and a few spares in case your gold-plated Rolls-Royce catches a flat tire. Did we mention that customizing them with diamond-encrusted steering wheels is crucial? Nothing says responsible spending like a Lamborghini that matches your toothbrush.
Irene Tu: “I guess when you make millions, common sense is the first thing you bench.”
Mansion Mania: Bigger House, Bigger Problems
An athlete’s house must be larger than a theme park, complete with 10 bathrooms, a bowling alley, and a shark tank. Who wouldn’t need an indoor moat and a pet lion named Cash Flow? Naturally, the heating bill for your 20,000-square-foot palace will hit harder than a linebacker, but that’s future you’s problem.
Taylor Tomlinson: “You know it’s bad when your house has more rooms than you can count, but your bank account balance is just one sad, lonely digit.”
Businesses You Should Never Invest In
Athletes always seem to find the worst business ventures, like Antonio Brown’s failed foray into rap music or opening a nightclub that serves only kale cocktails. One athlete tried to sell edible sneakers. Turns out no one wants to eat Air Jordans, no matter how much ranch dressing you offer on the side.
Marcella Arguello: “Pro athletes’ business decisions make me feel like a Harvard MBA.”
The Entourage Bleed-Out
No pro athlete would be complete without a 40-person entourage, including your high school math teacher, your second cousin’s barber, and a guy you met at Applebee’s in 2012. All of them need a weekly allowance of $5,000—because loyalty is expensive, baby.
Hannah Berner: “An entourage is like Netflix subscriptions: it starts with one, and before you know it, you’re paying for 75.”
Jewelry: The Gateway Drug to Bankruptcy
Athletes are walking proof that diamonds may last forever, but wealth definitely doesn’t. Brown once allegedly spent $2 million on a single necklace. For that price, you could buy a small country—or at least a Chick-fil-A franchise.
Lauren Pattison: “I’ve never seen a man more committed to wearing his net worth around his neck.”
Forget Taxes, Who Needs ‘Em?
Taxes are for mere mortals, not NFL stars. Why pay those pesky IRS bills when you can just… not? That strategy works great until you find yourself being tackled by Uncle Sam, who’s much scarier than any NFL defensive end.
Rose Matafeo: “Antonio Brown dodges taxes like he dodged playoff victories.”
Retirement Plan? Never Heard of Her
The concept of saving for retirement seems as foreign to some athletes as the idea of reading the fine print on their contracts. Why bother planning for the future when you can spend $300,000 on a single weekend in Vegas? After all, fortune favors the bold—and the bankrupt.
Zainab Johnson: “Retirement planning for some athletes is like trying to catch a pass with your feet—it’s messy and doomed from the start.”
Athletes’ Favorite Phrase: “It’s Just Money!”
The reckless spending isn’t complete without the eternal justification: “It’s just money! I can always make more!” Except, spoiler alert: The NFL isn’t calling anymore, and that sneaker endorsement deal went to a rookie who can pronounce fiscal responsibility.
A Few Words of Wisdom for Future Athletes:
Dear future sports legends, if you really want to retire with more than lint in your pockets, take a hint from the boring guys like Tom Brady. Sure, he eats nothing but kale and drinks electrolyte-infused air, but at least his kids won’t have to sell his Super Bowl rings on eBay someday.
And for the love of all things holy, hire a financial advisor who won’t blow your savings on a solid-gold jet ski.
Disclaimer:
This story is a collaborative effort between a 80-year-old muckety-muck with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer who have never gone bankrupt, but who can still give solid advice on how not to lose $100 million. Remember, bohiney.com is certified to be 127% funnier than The Onion.
15 Takes on Athletes Going Bankrupt
- Buying a $2 million necklace? That’s called “investing in regrets.”
- Every pro athlete needs a house the size of a shopping mall—with just enough rooms to get lost before breakfast.
- Retirement plan? More like “spend it all now, future me can figure it out later.”
- Apparently, entourages are mandatory, because how else would you lose $20,000 a week?
- Forget buying stocks; the real investment is a gold-plated hot tub that fits 30 people.
- IRS? Never heard of her. Back taxes are just a myth, like unicorns or fiscal responsibility.
- When athletes open restaurants, it’s always something wild like “Caviar and Pizza: The Experience.”
- Tattoos are great, but maybe skip the $50,000 one made with ink laced with platinum dust.
- Athletes think yachts are necessities, not luxuries—because, obviously, you need one for the summer and one for the winter.
- Hiring your cousin as a financial advisor is just a shortcut to Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
- A Rolex for every day of the week sounds practical until Tuesday’s breaks during an arm workout.
- Private jets are the best way to avoid TSA—and your bank account.
- If “bling” was an Olympic sport, Antonio Brown would have at least 5 gold medals.
- Athletes don’t need savings accounts; they have sneakers more valuable than most 401(k)s.
- Why invest in real estate when you can buy a fleet of sports cars you’ll never drive?
10 Comedian One-Liners
- “I love when athletes say they’re broke after blowing $50 million. What did you buy, the moon?” – Lauren Pattison
- “Taxes are for regular people. Athletes just treat the IRS like it’s a suggestion.” – Irene Tu
- “If financial advisors came with Yelp reviews, most athletes would have five stars for ‘creative ways to lose money.’” – Marcella Arguello
- “Owning 17 cars is smart… if you’re running a dealership.” – Rose Matafeo
- “Every athlete needs a house so big it has its own weather patterns.” – Hannah Berner
- “How do you go from Super Bowl MVP to selling protein shakes on Instagram?” – Ilana Glazer
- “Athletes buy chains worth more than some countries’ GDPs. It’s the new retirement plan—wear it all at once!” – Zainab Johnson
- “Being rich is great until you forget that money eventually runs out—unless you’re Jeff Bezos.” – Rachel Sennott
- “Nothing screams ‘financial stability’ like blowing your bonus on a solid gold jet ski.” – Amy Gledhill