Ministry of Vice Bans Nostalgia: ‘Missing Childhood Is Idolatry of the Self’

Wahhabi Scholars Declare Memory a Form of Emotional Polytheism; Teddy Bears Confiscated for Questioning Fate

By: Tariq Melancholy, Senior Sentiment Suppression Editor

Saudi Arabia’s Ministry of Vice Declares Jihad on Nostalgia: “No Feelings Before the Caliphate”

RIYADH — In its boldest move yet to eliminate joy, humanity, and the fragile remains of the human spirit, Saudi Arabia’s **Ministry of Vice and Virtue** has issued a sweeping decree banning **nostalgia**, calling it “a dangerous form of self-worship” and “emotional idolatry disguised as reflection.”

“There is no evidence in Qur’anic law that the Prophet ever missed his teddy camel or childhood fig tree,” said Chief Morality Officer Sheikh Abu al-Suppressor. “To long for the past is to question the present. And questioning anything is innovation, which leads to jazz, birthday parties, and female laughter.”

Halal History Only: Emotional Memory Cleansing Begins

The Ministry has already launched **Project Tabula Wahhabi**, a mandatory reeducation program where citizens must submit childhood photos, home videos, and any sentimental items for immediate incineration. The national archive now holds 1.4 million confiscated teddy bears and 32,000 baby shoes — all deemed “soft objects of internal shirk.”

“Every time a grown man remembers his tricycle, the angels weep,” said Deputy Imam Khaleel al-Forgettah. “Why look backward when sand has always been beneath your feet?”

Humorous Observations from the War on Warm Feelings

• Birthday candles now replaced with the phrase “Reflect on your unworthiness.”
• The phrase “back in my day” has been added to the official heresy list.
• All school yearbooks reissued with blank pages and frowns.
• Wedding albums must now be approved by four clerics and two camels.
• Baby teeth saved by mothers are now classified as relics of egoism.
• The only acceptable lullaby is a Hadith recited in Gregorian tone.
• All nostalgia-based poetry has been retranslated as “strategic sadness deviation.”
• The scent of cinnamon is now considered a gateway to unlawful memory.
• Photos of childhood birthday parties are stamped: “This Never Happened.”
• Hugging your grown son is allowed only once, on Hajj, and under surveillance.
• Crayons are banned for representing color-based joy recollection.
• Memory foam mattresses now labeled “blasphemous” for remembering the body.
• Public libraries instructed to remove the word “reminisce” from dictionaries.
• Schoolchildren required to chant “I have always been 11, I will always be 11.”
• Airlines now play Qur’anic recitations over in-flight flashback scenes in films.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“You can’t outlaw nostalgia. That’s like banning soup because it feels too familiar.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“If your religion can’t handle a grown man remembering his bike, maybe it’s not God who’s weak.” — Ron White

“They just banned teddy bears. Somewhere, Winnie the Pooh is sobbing into a pillow.” — Sarah Silverman

“I miss 2003. Guess I’m an infidel now.” — Kevin Hart

“They’re like, ‘Don’t remember your grandma, remember this desert instead.’” — Amy Schumer

“You try to feel feelings, and the state’s like, ‘Not today, Muhammad!’” — Chris Rock

“Next up: banning gravity again for reminding people of how they fell as kids.” — Trevor Noah

“They outlawed nostalgia and then wondered why nobody felt patriotic.” — Bill Burr

“In my day, we had memories. Now we just have audits.” — Larry David

“If the Prophet had a slingshot, it’d be banned for ‘weaponizing memories.’” — Dave Chappelle

Theological Justification: A Doctrine of Forgetting

In a newly published document titled *“Echoes Are Dangerous: A Fatwa Against the Past”*, scholars from the Wahhabi Memory Correction Council argue that remembering events not tied to explicit Islamic jurisprudence constitutes an unholy attachment to dunya (the temporal world).

The fatwa includes such clarifications as:

• Missing your mother’s smile is “attachment to mortal form.”
• Favorite childhood foods are “oral innovation.”
• Wistfulness is now a level-3 spiritual misdemeanor.

Clerics claim this spiritual reform is based on **“the divine right to forget.”** A right, they say, too long abused by sinners with journals, scrapbooks, and Instagram memory reels.

State Response: The Ministry of Memory Hygiene

Saudi Arabia has formed the **Ministry of Memory Hygiene**, equipped with what insiders call **“Forgetment Officers.”** These religious officials patrol malls, public parks, and family homes in search of nostalgia outbreaks, often identified by phrases such as:

• “Remember when…”
• “That was the best summer…”
• “Back in kindergarten…”

First-time offenders are given corrective sermons. Repeat offenders are forced to watch 40 hours of sand erosion footage narrated by Sheikh Numb ibn Shrug.

Black Market Memory Rings Emerge

Underground “memory salons” have emerged in Jeddah and Medina, where young rebels gather to whisper old TV jingles, trade pogs, and recreate 90s playground games under candlelight.

One such rebel, going by the code name **“Ya Rubik”**, said: “We hide our photo albums in date boxes. They can take my smile, but they can’t take my mixtape.”

Secret nostalgia markets now deal in banned objects like Beanie Babies, birthday hats, and one highly-guarded Tamagotchi, referred to as “the Last Memory.”

Global Response: The World Weeps… Quietly

Human Rights Watch condemned the move as “a war on emotional freedom.” The UN offered to send therapists, but were told emotional regulation must “flow from internal guilt, not external comfort.”

Meanwhile, Disney has quietly banned all distribution of *The Lion King* in the Gulf. Officials deemed “Remember who you are” as subversive content.

Psychologists Alarmed: Trauma Now Default State

Clinical psychologists warn that repressing nostalgia can lead to serious emotional consequences, including spiritual burnout, temporal dislocation, and delusions that you were “always holy.”

Dr. Layla Mnemonic, head of Memory Studies at the University of Beirut, remarked, “This is not religion. This is emotional taxation. A person cannot exist without a timeline. Wahhabism has now criminalized time.”

Ministry Releases Approved Memories Catalog

To help citizens comply, the Ministry released a slim brochure titled *“Halal Reminiscence: Approved Memories for Righteous Living.”* Acceptable nostalgic moments include:

• First time reciting Surat Al-Fatiha… alone… in a room… with no mirrors.
• Your first glimpse of sand dunes at age 3.
• Any moment spent contemplating the doom of others.

All other memories must be submitted to the **Amnesty of Reminiscence** for sterilization.

Final Sermon: “The Past Is a Trap Set by Satan”

Friday sermons have now been standardized to include this refrain:

“O believers! Remember only what is useful to obedience, and forget the warmth of your grandmother’s kitchen. For the path to Jannah is paved with numbness and regret.”

Clerics close services with collective sighs and guided memory purges, wherein congregants visualize their happiest childhood moment — then metaphorically set it on fire using Qur’anic verses and a dun-colored emotional palette.

Conclusion: Where Memory Goes to Die

As Saudi society presses deeper into this cold future of blank-faced reverence, one thing is clear: **To feel is to rebel. To remember is to transgress.**

Somewhere, under a camel-colored tarp, a forgotten stuffed animal waits, its seams bursting with smuggled joy. And even now, in the quiet of some dusty Riyadh bedroom, a child dares to remember how much they once loved playing outside… before the Ministry told them that longing itself was sin.