Aztlán Declared During LA Riot; National Guard Responds with Laughter and Tear Gas

Subtitle: “We were spiritually sovereign for 11 minutes, until the tanks started laughing.”

By Staff Writers at SpinTaxi.com — The Magazine for Dystopian Dumb Ideas

LOS ANGELES, June 2025 — It started with a tweet. It ended with a flashbang.

Late Saturday afternoon, a crowd of 3,000 protestors gathered in front of L.A.’s Civic Center, chanting “This is Aztlán!” while waving hand-painted flags, feathers, and more than a few Target receipts. At exactly 4:12 PM, a group of masked activists stood atop the City Hall steps and declared the United States of Aztlán, a new sovereign nation encompassing all of California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and any other state where you can get street tacos after midnight.

By 4:23 PM, the National Guard had arrived.

By 4:24 PM, someone in the Guard started laughing so hard they had to sit down.

By 4:25 PM, the tear gas came out anyway.

Birth of a Nation (That Lasted 13 Minutes)

The self-declared “First Chancellor of Aztlán,” 28-year-old podcast host and sage influencer Churro González, took to a makeshift podium (an abandoned Lime scooter with a milk crate on top) to announce the “unilateral spiritual decolonization of stolen land.”

“We declare this territory returned to the ancestors,” González proclaimed, “under the guidance of the moon cycle, the third eye of Quetzalcoatl, and a horoscope I read this morning.”

“From this moment forward,” he continued, “we reject American colonial law. This land answers only to ancient memory, and perhaps Dolores Huerta.”

National Guardsmen watched silently. Some pulled out phones to film it for group chats.

“Is this for real?” one corporal asked.
“I think they think we’re actors,” another replied.

Bohiney Insight into Aztlán’s Instant Failure

Humorous Observations:

• The new capital of Aztlán was designated as “The In-N-Out by MacArthur Park.”

• Instead of a constitution, they handed out QR codes linking to a zine called “Decolonize Your Commute.”

• They appointed a Minister of Defense. She brought a rainstick.

• Protesters raised their flag upside-down. Nobody noticed.

• One activist tried to enter “Aztlán” into Apple Maps. It rerouted to East LA and then froze.

• Their national security policy relied on “manifestation energy and bicycle patrols.”

• The Declaration of Independence was signed with a gel pen labeled “Shimmer Fiesta.”

• An official sovereign treaty was attempted via DMs to Gavin Newsom. He left them on “read.”

• Aztlán’s foreign policy banned tourists “unless they’re woke and tip 30%.”

• Their only international ally was a vegan cafe in Portland that agreed to “recognize them emotionally.”

• One protester claimed, “Our ancestors walked this land!” while wearing Crocs.

• Their border wall plan consisted of three yoga mats and a ukulele.

• Aztlán had a military unit briefly — it was disbanded due to “drama.”

• Their flag was stolen mid-protest by a tourist from Iowa who thought it was “some kind of artisanal blanket.”

• They declared a national holiday: “Decolonization Tuesday.” All food trucks were half-off.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“They declared a new country in the middle of a riot. That’s not independence — that’s a mental health moment.” — Ron White

“Their borders were imaginary. Their army was barefoot. Their plan was vibes.” — Sarah Silverman

“You can’t secede from the U.S. using a drum circle and a Canva subscription.” — Bill Burr

“They shouted ‘This land is ours!’ while livestreaming from a phone on the Verizon family plan.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“They told the National Guard to ‘respect sacred space.’ The Guard respected it with rubber bullets.” — Kevin Hart

“You can’t declare a new nation and still use Venmo. That’s not sovereignty — that’s brunch drama.” — Ricky Gervais

“They expected tanks to surrender to crystals. That’s not revolutionary. That’s Etsy delusion.” — Dave Chappelle

“Their army had no uniforms, no weapons, and no idea what to do if someone asked a follow-up question.” — Larry David

“You know your coup is in trouble when your chant leader leaves early for a DJ set.” — Ali Wong

“Even Burning Man was like, ‘Wow, this is getting out of hand.’” — Amy Schumer

“They called for peace, justice, and a coordinated color scheme. Because obviously aesthetics matter more than logistics.” — Sarah Silverman

“They forgot to bring food, but remembered incense. That’s not a revolution. That’s an improv retreat.” — Ron White

Riot or Renaissance? Depends on the Filters

For 13 glorious minutes, Instagram stories flourished. Posts tagged #AztlánReawakens included slow-motion videos of protestors waving flags, lighting sage, and awkwardly arguing over who should be Supreme Leader.

TikTok flooded with edits using Aztec drum music, overlaid with anti-capitalist quotes and thirst traps. One viral clip featured an activist twerking in front of an armored vehicle with the caption:
“Decolonize THIS 💅🏽💥🔥 #ResistanceBaddie #SpiritualSovereignty”

Back in reality, police began dispersing the crowd using tear gas, non-lethal rounds, and — in one surreal moment — a megaphone that simply played the U.S. national anthem on loop.

The Rise and Fall of Aztlán’s First Government

Within minutes, chaos reigned in the newly declared republic. Three rival factions emerged:

• The Spiritualists (demanded that all leadership be based on aura readings),

• The Materialists (wanted to seize Trader Joe’s),

• The Confused But Enthusiastic (thought this was a pop-up Burning Man).

By the time the first tear gas canister landed, leadership had changed five times. At one point, the Minister of Internal Healing and Sacred Doodles declared a state of emergency because someone had “triggered her with colonial eye contact.”

International Response: Mostly Chuckling

Canada issued a vague statement: “We support all people’s right to self-determination… unless they do it with beads and unlicensed sage.”

Mexico’s president declined to recognize Aztlán, noting, “We are flattered, but please don’t send us California. We’ve got enough problems.”

France offered symbolic support but also asked, “Is this a satire or performance art?”

Russia offered weapons but asked for payment in Dogecoin. Talks collapsed.

Aftermath: Reality Returns Like a SWAT Team

By nightfall, City Hall was back under U.S. control. Protesters retreated to their co-ops to hold debriefing ceremonies and emotional accountability circles.

The newly formed “Diaspora of Aztlán in Exile” issued a digital proclamation:

“We were free. We were whole. We were sovereign… for 780 seconds. And honestly, that’s more than most countries on the UN Security Council.”

Merchandise from the short-lived nation — including flags, patches, and limited-edition kombucha — is now available on eBay.

Conclusion: From Aztlán to Afterparty

As riot police swept up glitter, feathers, and scattered vegan snacks, one lieutenant remarked, “I’ve seen protests. I’ve seen riots. But I’ve never seen anyone try to start a country between a smoothie bar and a courthouse.”

Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security has updated its national threat scale:

• Low: Cranky Boomers

• Elevated: Actual Terror Cells

• High: TikTok-inspired breakaway nations built on Tumblr poetry

Auf Wiedersehen, Aztlán. You burned bright… like a flash mob with no permit.