TSA Discovers “Royal Decree” in Trump’s Carry-On, Written on Wendy’s Napkin

ATLANTA, GA — Transportation Security Administration officials at Hartsfield-Jackson Airport were surprised Wednesday morning when they discovered a handwritten “Royal Decree” stuffed inside Donald Trump’s carry-on bag—scribbled on a greasy Wendy’s napkin in red Sharpie and chicken grease.

According to agents, the document declared: “By royal proclamation, all airport Chick-fil-A’s must honor the MAGA court with extra sauce and a commemorative milkshake of loyalty. Also, the TSA must kneel. Immediately.”

The napkin bore Trump’s signature, an oily thumbprint, and a faint doodle of a crown atop his own head. It was folded inside a crumpled copy of Golf Digest’s Guide to Global Domination.

“He kept saying it was ‘official business’ and that he needed the napkin ‘to rule from 30,000 feet,’” said one TSA agent. “We offered him a real clipboard. He called it ‘too deep state.’”

Trump reportedly tried to barter with TSA using expired casino chips, two bottles of Trump-branded cologne (“Treason & Musk”), and a half-eaten Egg McMuffin.

Witnesses say Rudy Giuliani was spotted nearby in TSA PreCheck wearing a sash labeled “Grand Inquisitor of Carry-Ons.”

The Secret Service declined to comment, though one agent muttered, “We’ve confiscated worse. Last month he tried to check a ‘scepter’ made of golf tees and duct tape.”

The napkin is now in evidence—and smells faintly of honey mustard and delusion.