Also Claims “I Pledge Allegiance to Never Saying Sorry” Was Original Anthem Draft
Trump Declares Apologies “Unconstitutional,” Cites Imaginary Founding Father Named “Chad Freedom”
Also Claims “I Pledge Allegiance to Never Saying Sorry” Was Original Anthem Draft
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Standing beneath the Liberty Bell with a bald eagle perched questionably on his shoulder, Donald J. Trump unveiled a constitutional reinterpretation declaring apologies not just un-American, but “violently anti-liberty.”
“Nowhere in the Constitution does it say the president must say sorry,” Trump shouted. “But it does mention freedom. And freedom means never backtracking–especially in all caps.”
He then referenced a “long-lost” founding father named *Chad Freedom*, whom historians are fairly certain is a figment of Trump’s golf-fueled imagination.
“Chad once said, “Give me liberty or give me a good camera angle.’ That’s in the documents,” Trump added, holding up a rolled Arby’s receipt with “1776” scribbled in Sharpie.
Trump’s aides say a new textbook, *The Patriot’s Guide to Never Apologizing,* will be introduced in Trump Academy’s online homeschool curriculum.
Melania asked whether she could teach a class on grace and humility. Trump responded, “Only if you rename it “How to Win by Being Misunderstood.'”
Legal scholars are baffled, but Trump claims they’re just jealous they didn’t think of Chad first.
“Apologies are like taxes,” Trump concluded. “The Founders didn’t like either. Trust me–I spoke to their ghosts.”
=========
SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
