Graduates Receive Gold-Plated Diplomas and Mirror to Practice Deflection
Trump University Relaunches With New Degree in Apology Avoidance and Blame Shifting
Graduates Receive Gold-Plated Diplomas and Mirror to Practice Deflection
MIAMI, FL — In a surprise announcement streamed from a golf cart, Donald Trump declared the triumphant return of Trump University, now rebranded as “Trump U: No Regrets Campus.” The school’s flagship program? A Bachelor of Arts in Apology Avoidance and Blame Shifting.
“People have always said I’m great at not apologizing. So now I’m teaching it,” Trump told a crowd of imaginary students, most of whom were just tourists trying to use the bathroom.
The curriculum includes courses such as:
- Intro to Whataboutism
- Advanced Finger Pointing
- Selective Amnesia 101
- Public Denial with Flair
Graduates are equipped with a gold-plated diploma, a full-length mirror labeled “The Real Problem,” and a coupon for 10% off hush money disbursements.
One alum from the pilot course said, “I used to say sorry when I forgot my mom’s birthday. Now I say, “You’re welcome for my independence.’ It works.”
Accreditation boards have declined to recognize the school, but Trump said, “That’s just because they’re jealous and probably Democrats.”
Faculty include several retired spokespeople, a former parking valet, and a golden retriever that growls at subpoenas.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
