All Regret Rebranded as “Strategic Bravado”
Trump Declares National “Never Sorry” Week, Orders Confetti Cannons in Every DMV
All Regret Rebranded as “Strategic Bravado”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a stroke of a Sharpie over the Constitution, Donald Trump has declared the third week of July as National “Never Sorry” Week, a seven-day celebration of obstinance, bluster, and plausible deniability.
“America doesn’t do apologies,” Trump said while launching a confetti cannon into a crowd of confused DMV patrons. “We do success, bigly, and we party through our lawsuits.”
Every federal building will display banners reading, “It’s Not My Fault Day,” while government employees are encouraged to respond to complaints with “You’re welcome.”
Celebration activities include:
- Deflect-A-Thons: Competitive blame-shifting in gymnasiums
- Public Readings: Trump tweets interpreted by interpretive dancers
- Nationwide Flash Mobs: Spontaneous chants of “I Said What I Said!”
ICE detention centers will temporarily swap uniforms for sequined jumpsuits, and all TSA pat-downs will end with the phrase “Deal with it.”
The White House gift shop will release limited-edition “I Regret Nothing” snow globes filled with fake subpoenas and glitter.
Press Secretary Karaoke Night will feature hits like “Oops! I Did It Perfectly.”
The UN is reportedly baffled. Canada issued a travel warning. Russia sent flowers.
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SOURCES:
How to Be POTUS Without Reading Anything
and
How to Be POTUS Without Ever Apologizing
