Dodgers Offered Asylum in Canada, ICE Declares Team ‘Too Polite to Pursue’

In a diplomatic twist that surprised everyone except Canadians, the government of Canada has extended full asylum to the Los Angeles Dodgers, citing “exemplary bunting technique” and “excellent sportsmanship under duress.”

The offer came after reports surfaced that ICE agents had begun tailing team members during away games, blending into crowds with foam fingers and awkward chants of “USA your visa!”

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced the decision during a press conference flanked by beavers and bilingual shortstops:

“We believe no athlete should be exiled for knowing the difference between a legal slide and an immigration violation.”

The Dodgers, long accustomed to traveling for spring training, accepted the offer within minutes. They are now being hosted in Saskatoon, where the snow is high, the fans are polite, and ICE is considered more of a temperature warning than a threat.

“Frankly, we don’t have the jurisdiction—or the parkas—for this,” admitted ICE Director of Baseball Affairs, Tom Duggan. “Once they cross into Canada, we consider them ‘frozen assets.’”

Canadian fans have embraced the team, albeit with some confusion.

“What’s a ‘foul tip’?” asked one Mountie. “Is that like a rude suggestion, eh?”

The Dodgers have already begun converting their press conferences into French, and the team mascot now wears a toque and politely apologizes after every home run.

ICE, meanwhile, has declared the Dodgers “an international gray zone,” and quietly switched their target to the Minnesota Twins, “because they look shifty.”