White House Announces Exciting New Journalism Standard: News Must First Agree With White House
Trump’s Ministry of Truth
The factual foundation is straightforward: Trump announced that CNN, MS NOW and Politico would be barred from the White House, describing their coverage as “fake news.” Reporters from those organizations were denied access the following day. The organizations objected and said they would contest the action; Trump also suggested other outlets might later be barred.
Washington has finally discovered the problem with journalism.
Journalists keep reporting things.
For generations, governments have tolerated this obvious design flaw because nobody thought to treat White House accreditation the way restaurants treat Yelp.
That era may be ending.
Under the exciting theoretical new system, journalism becomes extremely simple.
Before publication, reporters merely ask: “Does the government like this?”
If yes, congratulations. Journalism.
If no, perhaps the story contains an unfortunate amount of journalism.
The transformation promises enormous efficiencies.
No longer must government officials waste valuable afternoons disputing newspaper articles, appearing on television, issuing statements, correcting facts or shouting “That is completely wrong!” while walking toward Marine One.
Instead there could be a Department of News Compatibility.
Reporters submit stories at Window 7.
A federal employee reads the headline.
“President Faces Criticism Over…”
STAMP. INCOMPATIBLE.
Next.
“President Announces Historic…”
STAMP. JOURNALISM.
Suddenly Washington works.
The Ministry Has Excellent Customer Service
George Orwell imagined a Ministry of Truth engaged in the dreary business of rewriting history.
That was the twentieth century.
Today it would have branding consultants.
The Ministry of Truth Experience Center would occupy a tasteful federal building with brushed steel lettering and complimentary Wi-Fi.
Visitors would be greeted by a smiling receptionist.
“Welcome to the Ministry of Truth. Are you here to report news, appeal news or apologize for previously reported news?”
CNN would take ticket 843.
Politico would take 844.
MS NOW would discover its appointment had mysteriously been moved to February.
A digital sign would announce: NOW SERVING: FAVORABLE COVERAGE
Estimated waiting time for unfavorable coverage: Constitutional litigation.
There would naturally be a satisfaction survey.
“How would you rate your censorship experience today?”
Very satisfied. Satisfied. Neutral. Fake news.
Journalism Becomes a Restaurant
The most intriguing possibility is treating press credentials precisely like restaurant reservations.
Government officials already dislike bad coverage for roughly the same reason chefs dislike a one-star review.
Imagine the exchange.
“Good afternoon. CNN. Reservation for one?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t seem to have you.”
“I’ve been coming here for decades.”
“Yes, but last week you said the soup was cold.”
“The soup was cold.”
“Security.”
Politico arrives next.
“Table for two?”
“Did you publish an article Tuesday suggesting service has deteriorated?”
“Yes.”
“We can seat you on the sidewalk.”
The New York Times calls ahead.
“Do you have outdoor seating?”
“Potentially permanent outdoor seating.”
Suddenly the White House Correspondents’ Association requires OpenTable.
Introducing Approved Questions
The bureaucratic possibilities are glorious.
Reporters could receive laminated lists of acceptable questions.
Category A: Economy — “Mr. President, how good is it?”
Category B: Foreign Policy — “Mr. President, how difficult is diplomacy when everyone else is wrong?”
Category C: Follow-up Questions — Prohibited.
A journalist who nevertheless asks, “But what about…” would immediately trigger an alarm.
Lights flash. Doors lock. A civil servant emerges carrying Form 1040-J, Notice of Unauthorized Follow-Up.
“Sir, you used the word ‘but.'”
“I was seeking clarification.”
“Clarification has not been authorized.”
Journalism becomes wonderfully efficient because every briefing can be completed in nine minutes.
“How are things?”
“Great.”
“Anything else?”
“Greater.”
“Thank you, Mr. President.”
Pulitzer committees would have to invent several new categories. Best Agreeable Headline. Outstanding Achievement in Nodding. Breaking News That Everybody Already Approved Yesterday.
The Strange Problem With Removing Reporters
There remains one technical difficulty.
Reporters denied White House access still possess cameras, phones, colleagues, sources and sidewalks.
Reuters photographed an MS NOW correspondent reporting from outside the White House after the ban took effect.
This is a serious vulnerability in the Ministry of Truth model.
The Ministry controls the door. It does not control outside.
Outside is enormous. There are approximately 3.8 million square miles of American outside.
Cable networks need approximately twelve square feet.
Put a reporter on Pennsylvania Avenue with the White House behind her and suddenly exclusion itself becomes television.
“Tonight, we report live on the fact that we are reporting live from here because we are no longer permitted to report live from there.”
Camera pans six feet. There. Civilization survives.
The News Approval Sticker
Perhaps the ultimate solution is federal labeling.
Every article could carry a little government sticker: GOVERNMENT APPROVED NEWS
Below it: “Contains 100% of the recommended daily allowance of agreement.”
Stories officials dispute receive another sticker: WARNING: THIS ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN CRITICISM. Consult your elected representative before reading.
Cable television could display ratings in the corner.
CNN: PG-13 for Persistent Government Questions. Politico: R for References to Internal Sources. MS NOW: TV-MA for Multiple Analysts.
Eventually the federal government could publish its own newspaper. The front page would be tremendously reassuring. EVERYTHING GOING WELL. Page 2: STILL WELL. Page 3: Weather. Mostly Excellent With Scattered Fake Clouds.
Unfortunately, Journalism Has This Annoying Habit
Governments and journalists will always argue. That is not new.
Presidents have complained about newspapers practically since American newspapers discovered presidents.
Reporters exaggerate, make mistakes, frame stories badly and occasionally become intoxicated by their own importance.
Politicians exaggerate, make mistakes, frame stories favorably and occasionally become intoxicated by television cameras.
It is almost as though these institutions were designed by humans.
The comic problem with the Ministry of Truth approach is simpler.
Once government gets to decide which criticism qualifies the critic for admission, the press pass stops looking like identification and starts looking like a customer loyalty card.
Ten favorable articles and your eleventh briefing is free.
And eventually one reporter will approach the podium and ask the question every Ministry of Truth fears most: “Who decides what counts as truth?”
At which point somebody in government will reach for the oldest communications technology known to civilization.
Not the printing press. Not television. Not social media.
The door.
15 Humorous Observations Behind the Premise
- Governments have spent centuries trying to control information, and civilization eventually improved the process by inventing the lanyard.
- “Fake news” is remarkably convenient because it requires no recycling bin.
- A press credential can transform constitutional theory into the bureaucratic question, “Does this little card still beep?”
- The Ministry of Truth would absolutely have a customer-satisfaction survey.
- Every government wants tough questions, provided somebody else’s government receives them.
- The perfect press conference contains penetrating questions such as, “Could you elaborate on your tremendousness?”
- News accreditation increasingly resembles restaurant management: one bad review and suddenly there is no table available.
- The Wizard of Oz had smoke, curtains and a booming voice. Washington added television lighting.
- Telling reporters not to look behind the curtain guarantees seventeen reporters will immediately establish a Curtain Investigations Unit.
- Banning journalists from a building leaves them with the terrifying alternative of journalism from somewhere else.
- Political communications departments spend enormous sums explaining that nobody should pay attention to stories they continuously discuss.
- Nothing makes information seem more intriguing than announcing that certain people are forbidden from obtaining it.
- A reporter denied entrance has acquired the greatest gift cable television can provide: a visual.
- The modern political curtain is transparent, livestreamed and surrounded by people podcasting about what may be behind it.
- Eventually the battle between politicians and journalists becomes self-sustaining: government attacks press, press covers attack, government attacks coverage of attack, and everybody gets another segment.
Satire Disclaimer: This article is satire. Trump’s announced ban on CNN, MS NOW and Politico and the subsequent denial of White House access are factual events reported by Reuters and the Associated Press. The Ministry of Truth offices, government news stickers, approved-question forms, restaurant conversations and other dialogue are comic inventions. Orwellian imagery is being used as literary parody, not as a factual classification of the administration.